I’m starting to worry over these exams in January already, which probably sounds really daft,  but I need good grades. I’m totally putting myself into this course because I want to get to uni and do the course I want to do.

Anyway I’m still trying to find work. I didn’t hear back from a homecare agency I had an interview with, which disheartened me a bit. I have decent qualifications relevant, have been on training courses to do with the job and have had great experience. I’m thinking the hours I put down on the application form worked against my favour. I put down a few hours here, a few hours there (to work around college) but homecare agencies want persistance, so that you can have the same clients the same time, every day. I’ve applied for an auxiliary nursing position at a hospital and I’ve got two more application forms for day centre sorta places. I would happily take anything at the moment!

Here’s a photo of him driving my car. He’s a terrier cross, that’s all the info we were given from the RSPCA. Although when I was in the pet shop last week they said he looks like a jack russel/corgi, it makes sense too. The RSPCA named him Pepe and we changed it to Toby. But after noticing how he LOVES his football I’m thinking we made a mistake in changing it! (Pepe is the name of a footballer, goalkeeper, I think).

When we first got him we wondered how on earth we would cope but he has settled down a lot, thankfully. By watching his body language sometimes though we think he used to get hit by his previous owners, for example when you lift your hand up – not to hit him, I’d never hit him – like when you’re reaching for something he runs off and he absolutely hates dads stick which he uses to walk with. I don’t understand how people can hurt animals, makes me sad just thinking about it. He’s settled down very well now though and is a happy dog, everyone comments on how lovely he is. He can be very stubborn when he wants to though. I guess that’s the jack russell in him.

I’ve started college now, studying Biology, Chemistry, Psychology A Levels. I’m finding the sciences pretty difficult but I’m keeping on top of it. The psychology is going ok, I’ve studied a lot of it already when I did my AS Level in in 3 years ago, but I couldn’t carry it on this year for some reason so had to start the 2 years again.

I used to work fulltime in the sheltered housing complex but then I had to cut back my hours to just 7 a week when I started college. I’ve been looking for flexible work to go around my college hours and it would be a weight off my mind if I get a job.

Jim and I are going well. Seen a lot of him over the summer and it’s been great. We’ve done so much – went camping, climbed a mountain (photos here), been to Liverpool, London, Brecon, went to Go Ape for a friends birthday (will show them pics another time), saw Les miserables in the West End, row a boat (another story for another time! ha) Really enjoyed it. This weekend I’m at Jims, why am I sitting at the laptop writing a loooong blog entry, you ask? It’s because he’s watching his beloved Liverpool playing against West Ham (I think, it says ‘W Ham’, anyway!!) I don’t suppose I mind, as long as I get to watch The X Factor. =D

The weekend went really well and I totally enjoyed it, spent time with great company.

The work situation, well I heard from employers and they have given me a contract, thank goodness!!! I was really worried about it, but my boss was on my side and worked hard to keep me. I’m still casual though, and the other girl could return anytime, that leaves me a bit unsettled and because of this, I am looking for other work, and my boss does know this so I’m not doing it behind her back or anything. There was a position going in the local psychiatric hospital working with elderly people who have mental health problems but it was only 6 months temp and it wasn’t worth applying. Yeah, yeah…  I know. It’s quite ironic I was going to apply considering I probably belong in one!! If I got the job, I would have gone to my first shift and not returned home. LOL

I have my IHCD exam next weekend and to say I’m shitting myself over it is an understatement. I have been so busy studying. Today I went to work only to do my laundry and while it was drying I did some studying in the staffroom. I sent my Red Cross service manager a text asking how to remember a way to remember part of a system (boring stuff, won’t go into it here), and he replied and told me. Then a few mins later I got another text off him saying, “How are you getting on with I E S S W A E Y?” …. I replied asking what was that, and he said, “Thought that would get you – it stands for “It’s Easter Sunday So Stop Worrying And Enjoy Yourself!!” LOL

Geeze I almost choked on my orange juice, see I really do only have a small mouth. I have ran out of coffee which is a total disaster, seeing as it’s Easter no shops are open so I’ll have to suffer until tomorrow morning. WTF. This ain’t fair. Also – I have cut down my alcohol intake a lot this week!! I am trying to purify myself so I can be clear headed (ish) for my studying and exam next weekend. Although saying that I am doping myself up on anxiety tablets so perhaps I’m not all that detoxicated afterall!!

The lady I was talking about in last entry died last week, I wasn’t on shift when it happened but at least she is in peace now. I went to her funeral on Thursday and a lot of my colleagues turned up – 12 of us in total. Sadly not many relatives or friends went and it got me thinking – you live your life until you’re old, when you’re in your 80s and you end up with very little people around you. Sadly some people don’t have anyone. I hate the thought of that. It’s really sad. I guess sometimes as the saying goes – you come into this world with nothing and you leave with nothing. Although with this lady she left with our love, I have to admit there were some tears at the service. Her family did thank the staff at my workplace though for the love and care we provided in the final months of her life, they were praising us for our compassion and sometimes going beyond what our job entails to ensure she was comfortable. Anyway it was a nice service, it’s just hard having to walk past her flat when I’m doing my board now, I’m so used to walking in, her sitting in her chair watching TV then looking at me, smiling and saying, “Hiya Kid, how’re you?” RIP. x

Speaking of money I am more concerned about my job now than ever. We changed employers last week and I should have got two payslips… one from my last employer and my new employer but I only got payslip from my last employer. I’m worried now that I’m not on their books, they don’t want to carry me over etc… I haven’t been getting any of the letters and documents that my colleagues have, because I was casual, I was told. But my boss told me not to worry, if I was going to be let go they’d have done it by now. But I dunno… I haven’t had the chance to ask my boss yet as I only checked my pay Friday afternoon, I’m not due back in until tomorrow… One day, one month, I will get a payslip where I will actually be happy with it and won’t need to ask my boss “what’s this about? why haven’t I got paid?” One day. Hopefully.

I remember items being thrown across the room. I remember her hitting one of my relatives to the floor. I remember the cruel exchanging of words between my parents. I remember crying under a table on Christmas Day after yet another row. I remember the threats. I remember everyday I came home from school I dreaded walking through the door, and I’d listen before I went in, to see if there was a row in progress. I remember screaming at the top of my lungs begging the rowing to stop. I remember the day my mum left for good. My dad and mum were arguing in her bedroom, as she was packing her things to leave, I ran up the stairs and tried to stop her and my dad said to me “you don’t want to know what your mum wanted to do when she heard she was pregnant”. To this day I don’t know what he meant, and I don’t want to ask, I can guess. I remember when she left, I ran after her down the street, screaming and pulling her sleeves trying to get her back. I didn’t have any shoes or socks on, I didn’t care.

The atmosphere was tense at home. Sure, there were days when there weren’t rows but more often than not, there were. It was like a bomb waiting to explode and every day, I was waiting for something to kick off, hoping it wouldn’t. My mum moving out was probably the best thing that could have happened… no way could we all live under the same roof. Arguments carried on between my mum and dad with me in the middle.  Torn between the pair of them. Although to be honest I know it sounds horrible but I have always prefered my dad over my mum, and my step-mum was more of a real mum to me.

I very rarely heard from my mum, but since I turned 18 we’ve been in more contact. We get on now, but that mother-daughter bond that should be there, isn’t. It’s strained. I do love her but I dunno… I wish we got on better than we do but I don’t think it’s going to happen. We’re going out for a meal tomorrow anyway for Mothers Day. I just hope the subject of my “grandad” doesn’t come up, because that always results in an arguement between us.

And to confirm, yes, my dad, real mum, step-mum and I all lived under the same roof… Hard to believe a step-mum AND biological mother would. I did live with my mum and “grandad” for a short time after I was born, but he treated both of us terribly and my dad and step-mum said we could move in with them, and that’s how it all started. My step-mum practically took me as her own, I think my real mum was ‘relieved’ as I was off her shoulders… she wasn’t ready for a child. Anyway, that’s another story for perhaps another time. I just needed to rant for a bit.

I have had the ‘pleasure’ of being in the presence of two idiots in the last 24 hours. A plank on the motorway and my dad.

Story Of the Plank On the Motorway.

I was driving to Cardiff via the M4 late last night and it was dark (obviously). There are some major work contruction work around this part and as a result, only two lanes are operating. I was in the outside lane. In the nearside lane to the front of me, was a car and infront of him was a lorry. I saw the lorry slam on his brakes then swerve half into the next lane (one I was in) then of course the car behind hit the brakes and managed to get into the other lane thankfully there was enough room otherwise it would have been ugly! What caused this? A cyclist who has the IQ of a plank who decided to cycle on the motorway, didn’t have any lights or nothing, not that it would have made it excusable if he did. He wasn’t even cycling straight he was all over the lane, good thing the lorry driver was looking and the roads weren’t that busy otherwise there’d have definitely been a pile up.

Story of My Dad

Sigh. Where do I start? Well to sum it all up – his relationship with woman less than half his age who cannot speak much English, who’s family is taking my dad for a ride. Yeah I think that pretty much sums it up. Don’t get me wrong, the age isn’t really a bother to me but everything else is. I could rant about her family for ages but this post would end up extremely long so I’ll just include the outlines. He has known her and the family for a year and at the start they were really lovely, but then they started hinting towards money problems and we agreed to give them a loan. They promised they would start paying it back the next month but they haven’t yet, I’ve been told I’ll get a first payment this month – we’ll see. I’ve heard it before. L (dad’s fiancee) is from another country and she went there for a few months to look after a relative of hers, she kept putting off the date because she couldn’t afford the fare so my dad paid for her ticket because he missed her etc.

 The day before she is due back, her family asks if I can drive with them to Bristol Airport to pick her up, because I can talk English and may be useful if they get any problems along the way. I was ok with that. No problem. On the day, about 15 minutes BEFORE we were going to pick L up, her family ask if they can borrow my sat nav because theirs was faulty (I got it back straight after the journey, made sure of that). Asked to borrow petrol money as they didn’t have enough to get there and back (they ended up paying themselves). Dropped the bombshell that the father who was driving the car didn’t have a full UK license, only a provisional and wanted me, as a full license holder, to show my license if anything goes wrong. WHAT THE HECK!??? This really irritated me and I was certainly NOT happy. So they wanted me to go because of my English, huh? Yeah. Right. And I was born yesterday too. They are a nice family in the way that they don’t want,want,want all the time but they do expect a lot from us, and I worry my dad is falling into it.

I know they have been planning to marry for a while – L’s family had a lot to do with that, pushing my dad, he is quite content just living together or something. But now he is going for the marriage, and tonight L came by and dad asked me to go into the other room and shut the door so I couldn’t listen. I did listen. He said to L they can get married next year and he has … thousand to help them both settle down. I didn’t catch the amount, but it ended with thousand. He ust have got a loan or something because we don’t have that sort of cash. He is so besotted with her, I have bought up my concerns with him and he’s convinced L is for real. I pretend I’m “happy” when she’s here but deep down I don’t like her, and I’m getting tired of him talking about her. But he’s happy. She’s happy. I don’t know… Maybe calling my dad an idiot is a bit extreme and wrong, I just think he’s been badly sucked in and I worry he’s going to get hurt. I just don’t like the family. There’s nothing I can do about it.

I have been pretty busy lately, I’ve been working where I am now for over a year and the past few weeks has been the busiest period yet. I have had some time off lately, and I needed it but I’m glad to be back in work now, makes me feel like I do have some use.

I was providing first aid cover at the Britain’s Got Talent auditions on Monday. It was a busy day but so cool to see behind the scenes and actually meet the presenters and judges! Driving there was a complete nightmare though because there was heavy snow thoughout the night around the valleys etc which meant the A48 was even more delayed than normal so I got to the location a bit later than I should have. When I finally got there I missed the turning for the car park so I had to go back around the block, in the middle of the city centre which was at a standstill. *Sighs* Everytime I go somewhere I don’t know, I ALWAYS take a wrong turning or something. Seriously. Even with a flaming sat nav!

Anyway the day went well, nothing exciting as far as first aid is concerned but it was a good day. I had my photo taken with Stephen Mulhern which was awesome, when I saw him my jaw dropped to the floor he’s a lot more handsome in real life than what he looks like on the TV! Simon Cowell really is as short as the TV makes him out to be (but then you do see him quite often with a tall model of some sort on his arm), Amanda was wearing a lovely white dress but you could really see how thin she was, could do with eating a bit more chocolate! Piers winked and smiled at us and Ant and Dec are lovely. Woot!!

I’m going to Coventry to play dead in April, I’m still sorting out the transport and accomodation with the Red Cross but it looks like they’re going to give me their pool car! It’s the first time I’ll have drove that car and I’m a little apprehensive about it… if it was going to the racecourse or something I wouldn’t mind as that’s like 20 miles away, but Coventry is a 2 and a half hour drive! Anyway to elaborate it’s a Casualty Simulation course, I’ll learn how to be a casualty and help trainers on their courses.

The snow was pretty bad here during the night. It started about 11pm pretty heavy and I hoped it would have melted away by this morning as I had to drive to work. But it hadn’t. I decided I wasn’t going to be one of the 25% of people who stayed home from work today and set off in my thermals. My first time driving in the snow, and the first corner I took I skidded. Only a small skid but gee snow is dangerous! Thankfully my route to work is pretty straight and it snowed for most of the day but it’s all gone now. Snow is pretty and all, but that’s as far as it goes. The UK comes to a TOTAL standstill when we get a bit of snow, I bet other countries look at us and think, “you bunch of wimps!!”

I was really nervous at first because everyone else on the course had been on the course before, but it was my first time and they were a lot more experienced than me.. it wasn’t a full course either, technically, I shouldn’t have been on it but my service manager knows I want to get on the ambulances and sit my IHCD so he arranged so I could go on it.

Anyway I thought I’d have to wait until June/July to sit the full course but apparently if I’ve done the practical side and feel confident enough to go with it, all I need now is learn the theory (body works, anatomy etc) then I can sit the IHCD exam in April.