… then, there’s the hope where you have absolutely no idea of the outcome. Achievable, or non-achievable? No idea. But you hope because that’s all you’ve got left.

Why have I been thinking and typing so much about hope? It mainly started because of my dog. He hasn’t been well, and I have been hoping so, so much he will recover and regain good health, but my hoping was in vain. This morning, at 11am, he passed away. My little baby boy.

He hadn’t been well at all this past week - he hadn’t been eating (although he’s been peeing and doing his business), lacking energy, I took him to the vets on Saturday, he had an xray and it came back clear. The vet said if it continues, take him back in a few days. Overnight on Sunday he got a lot worse and this morning he collapsed outside my house, he was weak. I got him inside the house and dad was going to make an appointment at the vets for this afternoon.

I go to work and at 11am I phoned home as I was thinking of Sam constantly. My dad answered hesitantly, “he’s gone”.

“Gone? What do you mean?” (Me in denial trying to dismiss the thought “gone” meant “dead”)

“He’s gone, only happened a few minutes ago”

My dad was trying to hold back his tears, I just fell silent. I couldn’t, and didn’t want to, believe it. I walked back into work and told my co-workers, I then told my boss what happened and asked if I could go home and she said yes. I got in the car and driving home I broke down, I was crying continuously. Scared of the thought of seeing my dog laying down, lifeless; but at the same time I so badly wanted to see him before the vet got there.

I arrived at home, walked through the door and the smell hit me straight away, made me feel nauseous. It was so strange seeing Sam not greet me at the door, his tail wagging and seeing his excitement at seeing me. I walk in and Sam is laying by his bed, blood over his face and on the carpet. It was so, so horrible to see… Very horrible… I looked away and cried then turned around and knelt down to kiss his head and say a few words in his ear. The blood was still coming out of his mouth, internal bleeding.

The vet arrived and confirmed his death, wrapped him up in a blue sheet and Sam was carried to the van and they drove off… He is going to be cremated, and his ashes going to be scattered at the cemetery. They don’t do burials anymore, unless you want a private burial in your own land and we just don’t have the space and our ground is well hard - it wouldn’t be possible.

I have been crying most of the day. He was my best friend. My baby. He was also like an uncle figure. You know, I’ve had Sam since I was 8, and I did have my tendencies to be immature and when I did things wrong it would feel like he looked at me and gave me the eye saying, “Don’t do that” hehe

I’m going to miss him so much. I couldn’t have wished for a better dog and he can never be replaced.

I love you baby, and I always will.

RIP Sam xx