That’s the latest episode of Gerbil Life over and done with… now it’s time for my life…

Well… I’ll tell you one thing that’s on my mind a lot, first. My job!! *sighs* I am on a 3 month job share and it started earlier this month. The other day I got my payslip and OMG I had such a shock, I’m getting a lot less than I thought I would be… my basic pay is something stupid and all the overtime I did last month I don’t get until next month. Due to direct debits I have a good few hundred going out of my account each month, a day after I get paid, now I’m left with very little of it. I have been thinking a lot about it and am considering going for another job. The one I’m in now, sure I enjoy it and I love my colleagues, but it’s dead-end. The pay isn’t all that grand either, to be honest.

My dad has been talking a lot about his girlfriend and I’m pretty much tired of it. I haven’t said, I keep my mouth zipped but she’s all he talks about, he’s worse than a love struck teenager. Hehe It’s nice and all that that they love each other like they do but gee…

I tidied my room too! Shock, horror. The thing is, it’s nice when it’s done but how long does it last?? We have a decent sized house but have so much stuff here, many of which we don’t use. Dad and I were talking about holding a bootsale yesterday and it’s a good idea. He said he’ll talk to his girlfriend about it, because she goes to a lot of bootsales.

Anyway I’m doing washing at the moment… when my step-mum died a few years ago I had to learn everything from scratch. How to do washing, cooking etc… because her good nature meant she wouldn’t let us. I have been using tablets in the washing but today I put washing powder in the machine and I’m getting visions now of the whole kitchen floor being flooded with soap. I washed it once this morning, but I guess another wash wouldn’t do it any harm…

I know I said I’d post an update last night but I really didn’t feel like it, but I’ll write up a quick one now…

Family Life

Well I don’t know where to start, really. It would be my step-mums birthday today and I’m finding that alone hard to deal with. We were going to go to the cemetery today but we didn’t because the weather has been so appauling her grave is right up the top of the cemetery and my dad won’t be able to get there, so we’re hoping to go tomorrow. I come from from town this morning to see my dad with his head in his arms and his voice ‘hidden’ like he was going to cry. I asked him what was wrong, thinking it was to do with my stepmum’s birthday, but he said his ‘lady friend’ has asked him to marry him.

Oh yes, his lady friend. He told me not so long ago he is seeing someone else, and has been seeing her for 3 months, but neglected to tell me in worry of how I’d react. She is in her thirties and she is a nice girl but it did come as a shock and I am finding it hard to adjust to, not that I’m telling my dad that. I’ve given dad the impression I am perfectly fine with his relationship with her, but on the inside, I’m not as comfortable as I make out to be. It’s not so much the age difference, it’s the whole new relationship thing, I don’t know, maybe I sound selfish or something. Anyway to hear my dad say she wants to get married… it came as a shock. My dad hasn’t said yes or no, he said he’ll think it over. But today of all days! What a day to bring that up.

My mum hasn’t been in contact with me for a while. Did I mention she moved house and didn’t even tell me? I only found out via passing conversation with her boyfriend’s mum. We were just generally chatting (I see her at work quite a bit) and she said “… your mum sounds happy in her new house… ” …. wow, wow, woooow… hang on, she’s moved?? I’d have thought she’d have told me. So I contacted her and she said she has moved and gave me her address.

Callum and I are still going strong (and yes, I put him in family life because he is a part of my family!). We went to London last weekend to see some friends and we had a great time. We’ve been together almost 1 and half years now.

Work life

Errrrrrrrm…. well, my contract should have been up 8th August but I’m still working full time as the decision about the job share hasn’t come through yet from the ‘top bosses’ and I’m just taking it week by week now. The girl I’m covering for should have returned on the 11th but she doesn’t want to work full time so she’s been taking leave. It’s week by week. I should hear back next week (well, I should have head back last week…). My boss can’t do anymore, it’s the continuation of the waiting game! It doesn’t look good though, from what my boss has said about the council and fact that the girl I’m covering isn’t willing to cover me if I’m off on the sick or on leave… the council may well not accept the application for a job share, as it’s not 50-50. I hate being left haning like this, it’s really unfair.

Red Cross

Well I did a few shifts at the Eisteddfod last week and it went well… my fave was covering the concert in the Pavillion, it was a music concert and I met Cerys Matthews However, by the time Monday got here I was totally exhausted. The last week really caught up with me.

Oh gawd. Today has been one of those days.

I was up early this morning and thought I had plenty of time before starting work but I still ended up rushing and leaving the house a tad late. I drive to ASDA to draw some money from the cash machine and I literally fell out of the car and stumbled onto my butt. Not many people about thankfully as it was early in the morning but there were some kids walking to school and the only thing really injured was my pride. So I get the money and drive to work.

I go into the staff room and put my bread in the toaster and make the coffees. I spill my coffee all over the floor then turn around to see the staff room full of smoke and the corridor too. I run into the corridor to open the windows and as I do I see my senior and I said, “oh Jackie, today really isn’t my day” and she says, “what’s wrong, darl’?” then she realised and ran to open some more doors but the fire alarms still went off…

The boss was there too and I explained my day to them and as I did my colleague walks in and I said, “Oh, you don’t want to work with me today!!” then they all fell about laughing. Mainly about the mental image of me falling in ASDA carpark.

I have spent the entire day catching up with myself… I thought it was the 13th then asked if it was Friday (jokingly) as it sure as heck felt like it. Gawd. Tuesday tomorrow. Please say it’ll go more smoothly…

Hmm right well my head is all over the place today. I have things to do, places to go, in the next few months and my head is spinning with it all. There’s a wedding, my dads birthday, callum’s birthday, the FC meetup, my mums birthday and my ‘grandads’ birthday, it’s also a good friends birthday next week. It would have been my step-mums birthday in August too. Work remains up in the air, I haven’t found the lead for my camera (which is stressing me out) so looks like I’ll have to buy a new one. I can’t find the lead for my MP3 player either.

Am also contemplating whether to buy an external hard drive (for my photographs) or a new printer (have been umming and arring over getting a new printer for a while). Also need to buy a few things for the house.

I need to phone up about my mobile phone and I need to get around to sorting out my modem because the connection is so poor I really cannot take it anymore.

I need to work on a few things for FriendsCircle and I’m getting my photography site up and going again.

Rightio I’m due in work in two hours time doing overtime. It’s Sunday, double pay. Looks like I’ll be working with a girl I haven’t worked with before, she seems nice though. Which is good. Bye for now!!

I’ve been eating quite a bit recently and I think it may be comfort eating because I haven’t felt all that great. Tenants at work have been a little… mean… about my figure and really, sometimes it feels like the older they get the younger they act. One of the tenants asked if I was pregnant the other day. Another asked what medication I am on as I have put on a lot of weight. Then on Friday I was walking past a few tenants and they say, to each other, as I am walking directly past them and they know I can hear, “gosh hasn’t she put on a lot of weight?” then they were talking about how fat I am.

Lovely, isn’t it? Gives you a real confidence boost!

Maybe they are justified in commenting, it’s not very nice - but it’s the truth. I weighed myself the other day and I have put on 7lbs. Not a horrific amount but still - I have put on some weight. You’d have thought with the amount of walking we gotta do at work I’d be falling down a drain. Someday I’m going to wear one of these things that monitor how many steps you walk.

What I hate about Facebook is practically everyone (minus a few here and there…) have a Facebook account and there’s no escaping anyone! All the kids who you went to school with have an account, they find you through one of their friends (or whoever) and think “Oh, I’ll add her…” but get this - I don’t want all those who went to my school in my facebook account! I didn’t speak to half of them, many of the ones I did speak to gave me crap and I definitely do not want them on my friends list thank you very much. I add people to my Facebook who I genuinely want to add, who I like, who I get on with. Everyone else, why bother sending the invites if you don’t even like that person?? To be nosey? See what they’re up to in their life? I’ve had enough of the games, I’m in control now.

Whenever I’m around families I can’t help but feel envious. The families that are solid, get on well together and have a good bond. The families that are supportive with each other and encourage. The families that give us space when we want it but at the same time they’re there whenever you have a problem. I wish so badly my family was like that but instead we were/are lightly strung together. The only strong bond was my step-mum, since she passed away in 2006, it’s just been so difficult.

I understand all families are complicated, and it’s not always plain sailing. Life is a bumpy path on it’s own but family life and upbringing have a lot to do with the life we end up leading.

When I think back to my childhood, I don’t have a fountain of happy memories. When I think back to my childhood, I’m plagued by memories consisting of shouting, arguing, accusing and name calling. Things being thrown, people being hit to the floor, me crying under the table, running after my mother bare foot down the street, begging her to come back (even though she was the starter of many of the rows), being torn between parents, social workers and meetings and being afraid to sleep, incase I woke up in the morning to not be home, but in care.

My mum didn’t realise her own strength, she hit my dad to the floor and a family friend to the floor too, a guy who lived with us for 20 years, I knew him all my life and it broke my heart when we couldn’t move house with us, his brother moved him into a nursing home type place, we kept in contact, but then the home shut down and all the people were moved to other locations. We tried to track Harry down and we did… a week after he died… and the worst thing was, we found out he was living only 10 minutes away from us.

I’ve never really felt comfortable talking to my parents, if I needed to talk then I’d speak to my step-mum and at times I could talk to my dad, too. But now I really feel like I cannot talk to any of my parents (dad nor real mum, considering step-mum has died). My real mum never really paid much of an interest until I was old enough to look after myself, and my dad he doesn’t seem all that interested at all and these days in particular I find him quick to fly off the handle, I’d rather keep my mouth zipped than have to go through rows etc.

After my step-mums death, it made me realise that she was a backbone, because after she died everything family-wise really did crumble into pieces. Every single day is a struggle and I really do mean that, no exaggerate. When she died, a piece of me went with her and I constantly feel empty.

It wasn’t all bad,If I think back hard, I can remember some good time, but the bad times seem to cast a cloud over them. Regardless, I wouldn’t say my mum and dad are bad people, I still love them both, always have, I just sometimes look at other families and think, “why couldn’t it be like that for us?”

I’m sorry if this sounds like self pity, I don’t mean for it to sound that way at all. I understand this is the life I’ve been dealt, and so be it, I just can’t help but feel sad sometimes when I see the typical mum, dad, and kids who get on well with each other and have such a great bond between each other.

I am seriously considering trying therapy. A few friends have mentioned it to me in the past and I have been thinking about it but each time I just let the fear take over and do nothing more but I know I need to break through that fear and do something about it, otherwise the intense feelings I go through will end up being the death of me.

In this blog I rarely talk about how I’m feeling. I know, I should, a few people who read this blog have told me I should make it a lot more personal and I am trying.

There are certain issues that I am trying to get past but whatever I do, they’re always there and I hope they’ll just go away but truth is, it’s not happening. I feel a lot of bad feeling towards myself, self hate, to the extreme. It goes back to my childhood, family life, and people who hurt me, the pain doesn’t go away. Most recently my step-mum’s death, well, I say recently, but that was in 2006, it still feels like yesterday and the horrible memories of the last few weeks of her life will remain with me forever. The guilt eats me up. Whenever people say they feel guilty over what they could have done before a loved one died I always say, “Feeling guilty isn’t going to solve anything”, and I know that’s true but I just can’t get it into my thick head. Feels like I deserve the pain. It feels like I should be suffering, because if I acted sooner than I did, my step-mum might still be here today and that feeling rips me apart.

My little baby Sam died in Jan this year too. It’s just so hard. He may have been a dog but he was like my best friend and losing my step-mum, then my dog, plus something happened in December which really messed me up, which I don’t feel like talking about. It’s just too much.

I’m sorry. I’m whining, but I needed to vent somewhere. I’m sick of unloading my crap onto my friends, I feel like a nuscence all the time even tho they say I’m not. It feels like therapy is the best way to go. I’ll type up more later.