Let’s have a moan

Sigh. I dunno. Today I’ve been feeling really fed up, I feel like biting the head off everything that moves but that could be because the samurai swords are attacking my insides for the new few days. A month flies by and they’re back before you know it! Or it could be because my dad is such a pain to live with at times. He’s in one of them moods today where it’s pick-pick-pick. I have worked SO hard this afternoon around the house, done cleaning and washing etc but he’s still picking and it does get me down. Quite often, to be honest.

Everything I’ve done this evening I’ve been waiting for him to criticise, I know him so well I can tell exactly what he is going to say. I’m tired to death of it. Roll on next weekend so I get a break. The more often I get a break the better to help save what’s left of my sanity.

I really wish my counselling appointment wasn’t cancelled on monday. Perhaps I’d feel a bit better now, I dunno. I have quite a bit going on now, and to add there is my uncles funeral next Tuesday in which I am torn whether or not to go because my grandad hates my existence, and always has ever since I was born, when I have done absolutely nothing wrong.

Roll on bedtime. I need a good cry.

Sorry, moany post.

Tags: family, feelings

Mum and Money

The meal today went surprisingly well, we had a good chat about a lot of things and the meal was yummy too. Mixed grill followed by Chocolate brownie sundae with chocolate sauce, cream and ice cream. Was yummy but I felt so sick afterwards! I ended up talking about my dads relationship with L and how they plan to marry and move in together when she returns from her home country (she needs to go back next month for a court case), which could be a few months time. I told her when they move in together I will most likely end up moving out because I know I won’t be able to live in the environment, it will be too weird, especially with a little kid running around. We were talking about rent and I was saying I won’t be able to afford much considering my salary and bills I need to pay, plus the additional bills that come with renting such as electric/gas, tax etc… she said if I do decide to move out I could move in with her as she has a spare room. I didn’t say yes I didn’t say no, I thanked her for the offer and said I’ll consider it if the time comes… the concept of moving in with her is strange, I’d really need to think about it but it was nice of her to offer, regardless.

Speaking of money I am more concerned about my job now than ever. We changed employers last week and I should have got two payslips… one from my last employer and my new employer but I only got payslip from my last employer. I’m worried now that I’m not on their books, they don’t want to carry me over etc… I haven’t been getting any of the letters and documents that my colleagues have, because I was casual, I was told. But my boss told me not to worry, if I was going to be let go they’d have done it by now. But I dunno… I haven’t had the chance to ask my boss yet as I only checked my pay Friday afternoon, I’m not due back in until tomorrow… One day, one month, I will get a payslip where I will actually be happy with it and won’t need to ask my boss “what’s this about? why haven’t I got paid?” One day. Hopefully.

Tags: family, feelings, thoughts, work

My Mum

Today the weather was lovely and I have spent a lot of it outdoors, I went for walks and sat down by the river with only seagulls for company. I did a lot of thinking, mainly about the past. Last night I was talking to a friend and the subject of my mother vaguely came up and I guess that contributed but also the fact that Mothers Day is tomorrow, I’ve been ‘reflecting’ and the sad truth is I can’t remember many happy memories involving my mum when I was young. Unfortunately I remember a heck of a lot of rows. And I mean, a lot. Almost all of them involved my mum.

I remember items being thrown across the room. I remember her hitting one of my relatives to the floor. I remember the cruel exchanging of words between my parents. I remember crying under a table on Christmas Day after yet another row. I remember the threats. I remember everyday I came home from school I dreaded walking through the door, and I’d listen before I went in, to see if there was a row in progress. I remember screaming at the top of my lungs begging the rowing to stop. I remember the day my mum left for good. My dad and mum were arguing in her bedroom, as she was packing her things to leave, I ran up the stairs and tried to stop her and my dad said to me “you don’t want to know what your mum wanted to do when she heard she was pregnant”. To this day I don’t know what he meant, and I don’t want to ask, I can guess. I remember when she left, I ran after her down the street, screaming and pulling her sleeves trying to get her back. I didn’t have any shoes or socks on, I didn’t care.

The atmosphere was tense at home. Sure, there were days when there weren’t rows but more often than not, there were. It was like a bomb waiting to explode and every day, I was waiting for something to kick off, hoping it wouldn’t. My mum moving out was probably the best thing that could have happened… no way could we all live under the same roof. Arguments carried on between my mum and dad with me in the middle.  Torn between the pair of them. Although to be honest I know it sounds horrible but I have always prefered my dad over my mum, and my step-mum was more of a real mum to me.

I very rarely heard from my mum, but since I turned 18 we’ve been in more contact. We get on now, but that mother-daughter bond that should be there, isn’t. It’s strained. I do love her but I dunno… I wish we got on better than we do but I don’t think it’s going to happen. We’re going out for a meal tomorrow anyway for Mothers Day. I just hope the subject of my “grandad” doesn’t come up, because that always results in an arguement between us.

And to confirm, yes, my dad, real mum, step-mum and I all lived under the same roof… Hard to believe a step-mum AND biological mother would. I did live with my mum and “grandad” for a short time after I was born, but he treated both of us terribly and my dad and step-mum said we could move in with them, and that’s how it all started. My step-mum practically took me as her own, I think my real mum was ‘relieved’ as I was off her shoulders… she wasn’t ready for a child. Anyway, that’s another story for perhaps another time. I just needed to rant for a bit.

Tags: family, feelings, thoughts

Two Idiots

Current Mood: Skeptical

I have had the ‘pleasure’ of being in the presence of two idiots in the last 24 hours. A plank on the motorway and my dad.

Story Of the Plank On the Motorway.

I was driving to Cardiff via the M4 late last night and it was dark (obviously). There are some major work contruction work around this part and as a result, only two lanes are operating. I was in the outside lane. In the nearside lane to the front of me, was a car and infront of him was a lorry. I saw the lorry slam on his brakes then swerve half into the next lane (one I was in) then of course the car behind hit the brakes and managed to get into the other lane thankfully there was enough room otherwise it would have been ugly! What caused this? A cyclist who has the IQ of a plank who decided to cycle on the motorway, didn’t have any lights or nothing, not that it would have made it excusable if he did. He wasn’t even cycling straight he was all over the lane, good thing the lorry driver was looking and the roads weren’t that busy otherwise there’d have definitely been a pile up.

Story of My Dad

Sigh. Where do I start? Well to sum it all up – his relationship with woman less than half his age who cannot speak much English, who’s family is taking my dad for a ride. Yeah I think that pretty much sums it up. Don’t get me wrong, the age isn’t really a bother to me but everything else is. I could rant about her family for ages but this post would end up extremely long so I’ll just include the outlines. He has known her and the family for a year and at the start they were really lovely, but then they started hinting towards money problems and we agreed to give them a loan. They promised they would start paying it back the next month but they haven’t yet, I’ve been told I’ll get a first payment this month – we’ll see. I’ve heard it before. L (dad’s fiancee) is from another country and she went there for a few months to look after a relative of hers, she kept putting off the date because she couldn’t afford the fare so my dad paid for her ticket because he missed her etc.

 The day before she is due back, her family asks if I can drive with them to Bristol Airport to pick her up, because I can talk English and may be useful if they get any problems along the way. I was ok with that. No problem. On the day, about 15 minutes BEFORE we were going to pick L up, her family ask if they can borrow my sat nav because theirs was faulty (I got it back straight after the journey, made sure of that). Asked to borrow petrol money as they didn’t have enough to get there and back (they ended up paying themselves). Dropped the bombshell that the father who was driving the car didn’t have a full UK license, only a provisional and wanted me, as a full license holder, to show my license if anything goes wrong. WHAT THE HECK!??? This really irritated me and I was certainly NOT happy. So they wanted me to go because of my English, huh? Yeah. Right. And I was born yesterday too. They are a nice family in the way that they don’t want,want,want all the time but they do expect a lot from us, and I worry my dad is falling into it.

I know they have been planning to marry for a while – L’s family had a lot to do with that, pushing my dad, he is quite content just living together or something. But now he is going for the marriage, and tonight L came by and dad asked me to go into the other room and shut the door so I couldn’t listen. I did listen. He said to L they can get married next year and he has … thousand to help them both settle down. I didn’t catch the amount, but it ended with thousand. He ust have got a loan or something because we don’t have that sort of cash. He is so besotted with her, I have bought up my concerns with him and he’s convinced L is for real. I pretend I’m “happy” when she’s here but deep down I don’t like her, and I’m getting tired of him talking about her. But he’s happy. She’s happy. I don’t know… Maybe calling my dad an idiot is a bit extreme and wrong, I just think he’s been badly sucked in and I worry he’s going to get hurt. I just don’t like the family. There’s nothing I can do about it.

Tags: driving, family, feelings, life, people, ranting, thoughts

3 Years

Well it’s another aniversary of my step-mums death. I still miss her and every anniversary, every birthday, every Mothers Day etc I look for signs from her. I strongly believe in signs and spirits etc and anything good that happens I think she has something to do with. Today I found one pound on the kitchen floor, when I was driving to work, past a friend who I haven’t seen for a while and who is never down that neck of the woods, the nightsky is clear and there is a really bright star in the sky, I always say my step-mum is the brightest one.

Them things seem really small, but everything little counts to me, just to know she is still there, and to know she isn’t far away, I find it comforting.

I love you J x RIP

Tags: family

Happy New Year…

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!

Sorry to start this entry off on a down note but I went to my Uncle R’s funeral yesterday. Was a little worried about how it was going to go because there is a bit of hostility between a few family members but thankfully all went well. My dad wasn’t feeling well in the church and unfortunately we didn’t go to the crematorium but the service itself in the church was really good, I’m sure my uncle was smiling at the number of people who shown up and how good his send off was. His coffin went into the Church with ‘Simply the Best’ being played in the background, I held myself together through the service and listened deeply to how fufulling his life was and how he would help anyone, and everyone, dedicating his life to his wife, daughter and local community.

Made me smile when the vicar was talking about Uncle R’s love for Arsenal and said he would be disappointed about Liverpool being top of the league this weekend, but then would be smiling at the fact Liverpool would probably come down the same time as the decorations, but then I really started crying when his coffin was leaving the church with Angels by Robbie Williams playing in the background. His poor wife was inconsolable, but then, that’s expected. There were a lot of tears from a lot of people.

The vicar at the service was really good, I think when it comes to funeral services the vicar can make it or break it.

I’ve been to a few funerals these past two years and thankfully, each service was a good service but I have heard some truly horrible stories. One being where the vicar forgot the name of the deceased and ended up calling her ‘the lady’ throughout the service, or when a vicar has no ‘feeling’ when giving out the service… it’s not good… not good at all. I think a funeral is the most important ceremony in someones life and it makes me so angry and upset to hear of anything going wrong during a service.

Anyway, happy new year to you all and best wishes for 2009. I’ll update this blog sometime later.

Tags: family, life, thoughts

Hiyaz

Hmm well I haven’t updated for a while.. first of, relating to last post, someone contacted me the other day about the traffic situation on that particular road where drivers should ‘give way’ but they don’t, they said they were going to go down the road and have a look themselves and pass it onto the traffic management team (or something) who will do something about it because I don’t care what anyone says, it IS dangerous.

Speaking of dangerous I can’t remember if I mentioned my dads ex or not… it’s a long story but basically she’s being a right bitch and is trying to make our lives hell. Tonight I was threatened, police called again. Didn’t do much, said they couldn’t do much. If I’m followed or get any trouble at all or see anyone suspicious they told me to call 999.

Still in work… just… review coming up re job share in December, haven’t a clue whats going to happen (which isn’t fair really) but I have told my boss I’ll stay on through Christmas and New Year.

Red Cross.. my name has been put forward to go on a resusication support course on sunday, one step further to being on the ambulances. I remember back last year I was allowed on the 4×4 at a racecourse and it was such fun, I was going speeding over a HUGE bump thank goodness I had a seatbelt on, shame the other red cross dude (who gave me the keys in first place) didn’t. I should have given him a head injury info card. 

Relationship… still with Callie

Pets… Snap, Crackle and Pop still don’t like me… well, Pop and Crackle are ok with me but wont let me hold them properly yet. Snap on the other hand, the white albino, is a bastard because he keeps biting me!! He bites me and I pull my hands away but the little shite is still hanging from my finger. Aw, can’t help but love ‘em though.

Family.. well my mum wants to have another baby so who knows… maybe I’ll have a little brother/sister in future… my dad isn’t too bad, uncle is having relationship problems and has been living in a car, he moved back to England but we’ve told him there’s a spare bed here if he wants to crash for a few nights or something.

So.. there ya are.

Tags: family, gerbils, jobs/careers, life, people, pets, red cross, thoughts

That Ring.

Current Mood: Loopy

*SIGH*

OMG. v_v That flaming, pigging, ring has been driving me absolutely mental the past few weeks.  My dad went to buy his girlfriend an engagement ring and she loved it but didn’t want anyone knowing by looking at her hand she was engaged at the moment and she didn’t want to wear it on another finger… so we (as in dad and I) took the ring back and exchanged it for another ring with a pearl on it as a ‘friendship’ sorta thing but it was the wrong size… so we take it back but it didn’t have THAT ring in the right size in stock and for some reason was unable to resize it… so we picked another ring and the size we took was one size too big but thought “maybe it’ll fit her”, but it didn’t… so we took it back and it was resized but it came back the wrong size… again… error on our part… so we had enough and got our money back and went to another shop…

We picked a ring in another shop and it was lovely, it was one size too big (i think, or too small..) so they resized it… my dads girlfriend was convinced it was second hand (it wasn’t..) and didn’t want it so we took it back, seeing as it was resized they wouldn’t give us a refund or anything but we saw a ring in the window that was nice and we had to come home and go back because dads girlfriend still had the ring… we came home and she popped by and dropped the ring in and we went straight back into town… the new ring in the shop costs a bit less than the other one so we bought a pair of earrings to match… the ring is a size too small and is being resized and we gotta go pick it up on Wednesday…

PLEASE OH PLEASE SAY THIS RING WILL DO!!!!
PLLLLLLEASE!!!!

Tags: family, life

My Life…

That’s the latest episode of Gerbil Life over and done with… now it’s time for my life…

Well… I’ll tell you one thing that’s on my mind a lot, first. My job!! *sighs* I am on a 3 month job share and it started earlier this month. The other day I got my payslip and OMG I had such a shock, I’m getting a lot less than I thought I would be… my basic pay is something stupid and all the overtime I did last month I don’t get until next month. Due to direct debits I have a good few hundred going out of my account each month, a day after I get paid, now I’m left with very little of it. I have been thinking a lot about it and am considering going for another job. The one I’m in now, sure I enjoy it and I love my colleagues, but it’s dead-end. The pay isn’t all that grand either, to be honest.

My dad has been talking a lot about his girlfriend and I’m pretty much tired of it. I haven’t said, I keep my mouth zipped but she’s all he talks about, he’s worse than a love struck teenager. Hehe It’s nice and all that that they love each other like they do but gee…

I tidied my room too! Shock, horror. The thing is, it’s nice when it’s done but how long does it last?? We have a decent sized house but have so much stuff here, many of which we don’t use. Dad and I were talking about holding a bootsale yesterday and it’s a good idea. He said he’ll talk to his girlfriend about it, because she goes to a lot of bootsales.

Anyway I’m doing washing at the moment… when my step-mum died a few years ago I had to learn everything from scratch. How to do washing, cooking etc… because her good nature meant she wouldn’t let us. I have been using tablets in the washing but today I put washing powder in the machine and I’m getting visions now of the whole kitchen floor being flooded with soap. I washed it once this morning, but I guess another wash wouldn’t do it any harm…

Tags: family, feelings, jobs/careers, life, people, thoughts

An Update

I know I said I’d post an update last night but I really didn’t feel like it, but I’ll write up a quick one now…

Family Life

Well I don’t know where to start, really. It would be my step-mums birthday today and I’m finding that alone hard to deal with. We were going to go to the cemetery today but we didn’t because the weather has been so appauling her grave is right up the top of the cemetery and my dad won’t be able to get there, so we’re hoping to go tomorrow. I come from from town this morning to see my dad with his head in his arms and his voice ‘hidden’ like he was going to cry. I asked him what was wrong, thinking it was to do with my stepmum’s birthday, but he said his ‘lady friend’ has asked him to marry him.

Oh yes, his lady friend. He told me not so long ago he is seeing someone else, and has been seeing her for 3 months, but neglected to tell me in worry of how I’d react. She is in her thirties and she is a nice girl but it did come as a shock and I am finding it hard to adjust to, not that I’m telling my dad that. I’ve given dad the impression I am perfectly fine with his relationship with her, but on the inside, I’m not as comfortable as I make out to be. It’s not so much the age difference, it’s the whole new relationship thing, I don’t know, maybe I sound selfish or something. Anyway to hear my dad say she wants to get married… it came as a shock. My dad hasn’t said yes or no, he said he’ll think it over. But today of all days! What a day to bring that up.

My mum hasn’t been in contact with me for a while. Did I mention she moved house and didn’t even tell me? I only found out via passing conversation with her boyfriend’s mum. We were just generally chatting (I see her at work quite a bit) and she said “… your mum sounds happy in her new house… ” …. wow, wow, woooow… hang on, she’s moved?? I’d have thought she’d have told me. So I contacted her and she said she has moved and gave me her address.

Callum and I are still going strong (and yes, I put him in family life because he is a part of my family!). We went to London last weekend to see some friends and we had a great time. We’ve been together almost 1 and half years now.

Work life

Errrrrrrrm…. well, my contract should have been up 8th August but I’m still working full time as the decision about the job share hasn’t come through yet from the ‘top bosses’ and I’m just taking it week by week now. The girl I’m covering for should have returned on the 11th but she doesn’t want to work full time so she’s been taking leave. It’s week by week. I should hear back next week (well, I should have head back last week…). My boss can’t do anymore, it’s the continuation of the waiting game! It doesn’t look good though, from what my boss has said about the council and fact that the girl I’m covering isn’t willing to cover me if I’m off on the sick or on leave… the council may well not accept the application for a job share, as it’s not 50-50. I hate being left haning like this, it’s really unfair.

Red Cross

Well I did a few shifts at the Eisteddfod last week and it went well… my fave was covering the concert in the Pavillion, it was a music concert and I met Cerys Matthews However, by the time Monday got here I was totally exhausted. The last week really caught up with me.

Tags: family, feelings, jobs/careers, life, people, red cross, thoughts