Remember me talking about the interview I went to? Well I checked the local newspaper the other day and they’re still asking for people! I really think I messed that up with the hours I offered. I dunno I am trying, and I’ll keep trying. I phoned up Careers Wales asking if they could help and they just referred me to their website and told me to check out the vacancies. I’m going to see my tutor in college next week and ask if the college can help in any way. I really would take anything at the moment!

Not sure if I mentioned but a few weeks ago I asked the Job Centre if they could help with employments or benefits until I get a job but as  soon as I mentioned “college” they didn’t want to know. It annoys the hell out of me that there’s people at home with absolutely NOTHING wrong with them, who sit of their arses all day watching TV raking in all the money under the sun, and there’s people like me who go back to college to get a greater education and can’t get bugger all. Where’s the fairness in that?

I haven’t took many photos at all. I have been swamped with college work and to be honest, I’ve sadly lost interest lately. However today I tried to take a few snaps of Toby but he wouldn’t keep still. I will try again later and upload them if they’re decent!

Oh well on Sunday I’m on another Red Cross course, advanced resus and monitoring. I took it last year but would like to do it again this year. I’m thinking of redoing my IHCD (Ambulance Crew, Red Cross) but I’m not sure yet. Last time I turned into an emotional wreck. Seriously. First scenario I was on was a ‘trauma’ and heck, wasn’t I traumatised after it!! I just could not stop crying. So much to do, little time to do it, time critical. I felt like I badly let myself down. I really felt like going home after but thought bugger it, I’ve gone all this way may as well see it through, and my colleagues were trying to make me carry on.  Anyway I failed, nothing major just small little things but to be on the ambulance crew you’ll gotta be way on the ball. I wasn’t the only one who failed, quite a few did, some were truly surprising. I did pass the theory though, which is great. I’m not sure yet though I’ll have a think about it!!

I’m starting to worry over these exams in January already, which probably sounds really daft,  but I need good grades. I’m totally putting myself into this course because I want to get to uni and do the course I want to do.

Anyway I’m still trying to find work. I didn’t hear back from a homecare agency I had an interview with, which disheartened me a bit. I have decent qualifications relevant, have been on training courses to do with the job and have had great experience. I’m thinking the hours I put down on the application form worked against my favour. I put down a few hours here, a few hours there (to work around college) but homecare agencies want persistance, so that you can have the same clients the same time, every day. I’ve applied for an auxiliary nursing position at a hospital and I’ve got two more application forms for day centre sorta places. I would happily take anything at the moment!

The weekend went really well and I totally enjoyed it, spent time with great company.

The work situation, well I heard from employers and they have given me a contract, thank goodness!!! I was really worried about it, but my boss was on my side and worked hard to keep me. I’m still casual though, and the other girl could return anytime, that leaves me a bit unsettled and because of this, I am looking for other work, and my boss does know this so I’m not doing it behind her back or anything. There was a position going in the local psychiatric hospital working with elderly people who have mental health problems but it was only 6 months temp and it wasn’t worth applying. Yeah, yeah…  I know. It’s quite ironic I was going to apply considering I probably belong in one!! If I got the job, I would have gone to my first shift and not returned home. LOL

I have my IHCD exam next weekend and to say I’m shitting myself over it is an understatement. I have been so busy studying. Today I went to work only to do my laundry and while it was drying I did some studying in the staffroom. I sent my Red Cross service manager a text asking how to remember a way to remember part of a system (boring stuff, won’t go into it here), and he replied and told me. Then a few mins later I got another text off him saying, “How are you getting on with I E S S W A E Y?” …. I replied asking what was that, and he said, “Thought that would get you – it stands for “It’s Easter Sunday So Stop Worrying And Enjoy Yourself!!” LOL

Geeze I almost choked on my orange juice, see I really do only have a small mouth. I have ran out of coffee which is a total disaster, seeing as it’s Easter no shops are open so I’ll have to suffer until tomorrow morning. WTF. This ain’t fair. Also – I have cut down my alcohol intake a lot this week!! I am trying to purify myself so I can be clear headed (ish) for my studying and exam next weekend. Although saying that I am doping myself up on anxiety tablets so perhaps I’m not all that detoxicated afterall!!

The lady I was talking about in last entry died last week, I wasn’t on shift when it happened but at least she is in peace now. I went to her funeral on Thursday and a lot of my colleagues turned up – 12 of us in total. Sadly not many relatives or friends went and it got me thinking – you live your life until you’re old, when you’re in your 80s and you end up with very little people around you. Sadly some people don’t have anyone. I hate the thought of that. It’s really sad. I guess sometimes as the saying goes – you come into this world with nothing and you leave with nothing. Although with this lady she left with our love, I have to admit there were some tears at the service. Her family did thank the staff at my workplace though for the love and care we provided in the final months of her life, they were praising us for our compassion and sometimes going beyond what our job entails to ensure she was comfortable. Anyway it was a nice service, it’s just hard having to walk past her flat when I’m doing my board now, I’m so used to walking in, her sitting in her chair watching TV then looking at me, smiling and saying, “Hiya Kid, how’re you?” RIP. x

My boss told me not to worry. How can I not? My job is really on the line here and it all goes down to one last e-mail that my boss is waiting for, she won’t get it until Monday now. I’m not in work until Thursday so I’m left hanging until then. I was a bit surprised when she told me (I shouldn’t have been)  and now I’m thinking of all sorts of questions I didn’t ask at the time. I wonder if I’m going to get any notice or if I’m going to be laid off there and then. Will I get paid for my last month of work? I don’t know if I’m going yet but it really doesn’t look good. At least my boss is fighting my corner.

When I heard the news I continued work and as I went into a flat I felt my eyes fill up. I’m a bit soft really, but I do love my job. I held it together anyway but now I’m worrying sick.

I’m going to London tomorrow so I need to try and get it out of my mind, at least until I come home and then try and figure something out. I’m going to see some friends this weekend and am really looking forward to it.

The lady I mentioned in the last entry is still alive, talking a bit tonight but is so sleepy and weak. My senior went in to see her earlier in the day and this lady mentioned she liked her scarf and the senior said she could have it, so she put it around her neck gently. It has hearts on it and my senior said it shows love from all us girls. I went to see her just before the end of my shift, she was asleep then so I just sat with her for a bit and kissed her on the forehead before I left. I’m not in again until Thursday next week, don’t know what’s going to happen by then.

Anyway work was busy too and was really sad. One lady there is terminally ill (posted about her a while ago) and today she went onto the syringe driver. She refused to go on when I posted the last entry because once you go on that, that’s it. In a few days, perhaps a week or 2, you’ll most likely die. It is the last resort and is given to terminal patients who are in severe pain. This lady put it off for as long as she could but now she accepts she can’t fight anymore and the pain is just too much. I went to see her today, I see her whenever I can as do my colleagues and she was so weak she couldn’t talk, her small skeletal frame you can tell how cancer has eaten away at her body. Tonight I went to see her before I went off my shift and she was asleep, most likely won’t wake up from it. I held her small hand in mine and kissed her on the forehead. She doesn’t want to go into a hospital or hospice, wants to die at home in the company of people who love and care for her.

This lady has been so scared of dying. Wanted the pain to stop, to give up, but at the same time so frightened of what happens during and after death. Didn’t want to be left alone, we did and are doing everything we can to give her company around the clock. Now she has nightsitters, who I think are qualified nurses who can administer another painkiller when she wants it (as well as the syringe driver she is on now, but from what I understand that automatically adminsiters the morphine based medication).

At least now she is sleeping she is totally out of it and isn’t scared of the inevitable. I really would be surprised if I sign in my shift tomorrow and find out this lady is still alive. Terribly sad. I know we are support workers but we do get close to our clients using the service and we have been caring for her a lot these past few months. I think it’s going to hit all of us when it happens. All I hope for is she goes peacefully in her sleep, no more pain, no more suffering. I hope it’s not as scary as she fears it’ll be.

I’m going to bed now, night all.

Anyway my car is playing up something stupid. The gears have been pretty messed up lately and I find it hard to drive. The 1st and 2nd gears keep getting jammed and won’t ‘go in’, when I think I’ve got into 1st it’s actually 3rd, when I think I’ve gone into 2nd it’s gone into 4th.  The reverse isn’t working at all. I looked like a right idiot today when I got stuck in the works car park. I parked on a bit of a ‘hill’ hoping I’d roll down it backwards if I took the handbrake off but it didn’t happen – I ended up not rolling so I had to rock in my car seat trying to get it to move. Ha. I can laugh about it now but it wasn’t funny then!!

Anyway it’s no good… got it checked by the garage and it’s something wrong with the clutch I think, and it’ll cost £150 to fix by looks of. I’ll get taxi to work tomorrow and Friday, then I’m in London until Tuesday so I’ll get it fixed on Wednesday. It needs to be fixed, I can’t drive it when it’s like that.

Speaking of money I am more concerned about my job now than ever. We changed employers last week and I should have got two payslips… one from my last employer and my new employer but I only got payslip from my last employer. I’m worried now that I’m not on their books, they don’t want to carry me over etc… I haven’t been getting any of the letters and documents that my colleagues have, because I was casual, I was told. But my boss told me not to worry, if I was going to be let go they’d have done it by now. But I dunno… I haven’t had the chance to ask my boss yet as I only checked my pay Friday afternoon, I’m not due back in until tomorrow… One day, one month, I will get a payslip where I will actually be happy with it and won’t need to ask my boss “what’s this about? why haven’t I got paid?” One day. Hopefully.

Work was busy, well it wasn’t so bad up until lunch and then everything went crazy. 10 minutes into lunch the piper goes off and the senior answers it and rushes out the room. A few minutes later one of my colleagues pipers goes off, it was the senior, my colleague threw her tray down on one of the tables and fast walked out of the dining room, leaving me and one other colleague to serve a three course lunch to 60 tenants, including the flat lunches. Oh joy. It was manic and we were run off our feet. At least one staff member has to remain in the dining room when tenants are eating lunch incase anything happens (like, someone choking on a chicken bone or something…) so that left my colleague to do the flat lunches by herself which put added pressure on us.

It didn’t help that one of the tenants was in one of her moany moods, and moaned about the first course, the second course, the third course, oh, and the cup of tea, saying it was too weak when it WASN’T TOO WEAK. She put too much milk in the cup which resulted in the cup of tea looking like cats piss, it wasn’t my fault. Gawd she was just moany, gets days like that. Why do people put milk in their cups first? I just don’t understand it. How can you judge just how much milk you want in your tea? Surely you’d put the tea in first and then pour the milk in until it changes to a decent colour??

Anyway thankfully my boss came in the dining area just before we finished serving lunch so she helped with the teas and cleaning up etc. The two other girls hadn’t returned which meant something really wrong somewhere.

I found out one of the tenants fell in her flat, banged her head against the solid floor, hurt her back and neck and couldn’t move. Ambulance was called and it was put as a priority call but an hour later and the ambulance still wasn’t there. Cleaners and (some) home carers stick their nose in and were shouting at my boss and senior telling them what they should do trying to be helpful but the situation was under control, all they were doing was making the tenant more stressed out. Senior called the ambulance service back and I went down there to sit with the tenant on the floor, holding her hand and trying to comfort her, and the ambulance got there after another hour.

The crew decided to put our tenant on a spinal board so I supported the head as the crew did the log roll. The tenant was in a very uncomfortable position to be in the spinal board and collar are not the most comfortable of equiptment to be strapped down to and the ambulance crew said considering by the ‘traffic’ in the local A&E that morning the tenant was going to be on a trolley in the corridor for at least an hour, possibly two.

I had to leave work early today for my cars winter checkup, but I was fuming when I saw some inconsiderate fool parked their car RIGHT outside the car park gates blocking me in. For goodness sake… Why didn’t they just OPEN THE GATES and DRIVE into one of the many car parking spaces available?? Instead of blocking the flipping gates surely they saw my car inside them gates? Did it cross their mind how on earth the owner of that car was meant to get out? Anyway I went back inside the building and waited, there was nothing I could do, thankfully I didn’t need to wait too long and when I saw them reversing I politely asked them not to park there again.

I couldn’t find the garage, I went into a volkswagen dealership showroom place cheekily asking them where Vauxhall is. Hehe. After giving my car to the garage I went into the local shops looking for a dress, it would be a change to wear a dress at a few functions this month, but nothing suits me. I hate my body.

Anyway got the car back and there’s something wrong with the boot or something… *shrugs* Apartly the ‘boot’ is ‘adrift’ and I need a new ‘boot kit’ which is going to cost me £95, apparently… can anyone tell me what exactly this means? Is it really important? I did ask, but there was a lot of noise in the shop, 5 guys hanging around behind the counter I felt anxious and.. out of place.. I just wanted to get out of there, plus I don’t know much about cars at all and it goes in one ear out the next… >_>

One of the tenants was stone deaf but thank goodness she was able to read it and sign to say she understood it. Another one is very hard of hearing (in denial about that fact) and she didn’t have reading glasses (prefer to read it out anyway) and I was in her flat for ages trying to explain it because everything I was saying, she wasn’t paying attention because she was so certain she knew what to do… when she didn’t. I kept my cool, when I felt like banging my head against the wall. Another tenant has bad confusion so that was fun explaining to her. Another tenant likes to pick holes in everything and when I finished reading it out she of course had to pick up on a few ‘contradictions’ … when there aren’t any contradictions. They are clear cut and to the point, they have to be to be understood.

Anyway by the time I finished my board tonight (took almost 4 hours) I had a bit of a sore throat. The boss asked if they understood it and I said the number of times I read it out, I, for one, definitely did. Thing is they understand it NOW, but tomorrow, or in a weeks time, it’ll be a different story for many, so we’ll need to do that every few weeks/months I think.

Onto other news, I have been telling people I haven’t been scared about what my dads ex girlfriends current boyfriend (or whoever) said to me, and I thought I wasn’t, but tonight I was leaving work and I felt ultra anxious. My car was in the car park and I couldn’t help but keep looking around and as soon as I got into the car I locked all the doors. I hate it when people target you emotionally. I honestly don’t know if she will carry out the threats or not, I guess if she was going to, would have by now.

Anyway, time for a drink, see yaz.

Anyhoo, my poor baby car sounded a bit ill this morning, maybe she was cold or something, I dunno (hey, cars have feeling too!). Ironically enough I got a letter through the post about a winter vehicle check, £25 (£10 off, woot!). They check the lights/electrics, brakes, clutch, engine, mirrors, fluid levels, steering, wheels.. everything, and the coolant levels/brake fluid/screen wash/engine oil get topped up too and I think it’s a good bargin. Oh, and ya get a free winter care kit.

Speaking of cars I swear like a mad man when I’m driving. You should hear me… or not. When I’m going to this particular place I ALWAYS take the WRONG exit which ends up putting an extra 15 mins or so on my journey as I have to carry on going and go another way around. I was saying, I bet I take the wrong *beeping* exit. I always take the wrong *beeping* exit. Oh for *beeps* sake I’m in the wrong lane again. Oh *beep*, let me ouuut let me ouuut (ie, let me get in the lane!!). Wow I actually took the right *beeping* exit for a change. I rarely swear outside the car, it just drives me crazy! Oh and other drivers do too.

I installed this earlier and so far it works a treat. http://wordpress.org/extend/plugins/wordpress-automatic-upgrade/ I can’t update wordpress or vbulletin and always bug a good friend to do it for me, so with the auto update for wordpress that’s one less ‘burden’ off his shoulders (he’s so going to virtually slap me for that).

Hmm anyway I’ll end this here for now. Ciao.