Let’s have a moan

Sigh. I dunno. Today I’ve been feeling really fed up, I feel like biting the head off everything that moves but that could be because the samurai swords are attacking my insides for the new few days. A month flies by and they’re back before you know it! Or it could be because my dad is such a pain to live with at times. He’s in one of them moods today where it’s pick-pick-pick. I have worked SO hard this afternoon around the house, done cleaning and washing etc but he’s still picking and it does get me down. Quite often, to be honest.

Everything I’ve done this evening I’ve been waiting for him to criticise, I know him so well I can tell exactly what he is going to say. I’m tired to death of it. Roll on next weekend so I get a break. The more often I get a break the better to help save what’s left of my sanity.

I really wish my counselling appointment wasn’t cancelled on monday. Perhaps I’d feel a bit better now, I dunno. I have quite a bit going on now, and to add there is my uncles funeral next Tuesday in which I am torn whether or not to go because my grandad hates my existence, and always has ever since I was born, when I have done absolutely nothing wrong.

Roll on bedtime. I need a good cry.

Sorry, moany post.

Tags: family, feelings

…

Sigh… that’s how I feel tonight.

Just… sigh…

Tags: life

Trauma

I thought I’d type up an entry to let you know what else has been going on. Early January I went on a Trauma course for the weekend, on Monday morning I woke with aches in muscles I didn’t know existed. The course had an extremely practical nature and we were outside for quite a bit of it in the cold, wet weather. The Trauma course is an advanced course for people in the Red Cross who want to become Paramedic Crew in the ambulances. It involves more hands-on stuff having to see to head, abdominal, spinal injuries as well as fractures and other bits and pieces and we play with monitoring equipment too. If I go into the course in depth I would be here all night but my brain and body hasn’t had that much exercise for months! Playing with the long boards was fun. Goodness me I don’t think I have ever sweated as much. We walked in on one of numerous senarios faced with someone who, by looks of, fell off a chair (of course) so we suspected spinal injuries and played the safe route and got her on the board. We had to use a scoop first and anyway it took us about 40 minutes in total to imobilise the ‘casualty’ on the board. Hard work. Very hard work!

I was really nervous at first because everyone else on the course had been on the course before, but it was my first time and they were a lot more experienced than me.. it wasn’t a full course either, technically, I shouldn’t have been on it but my service manager knows I want to get on the ambulances and sit my IHCD so he arranged so I could go on it.

Anyway I thought I’d have to wait until June/July to sit the full course but apparently if I’ve done the practical side and feel confident enough to go with it, all I need now is learn the theory (body works, anatomy etc) then I can sit the IHCD exam in April.

Tags: life, red cross, thoughts

Funerals

Hmm well… on the weekend I found out my aunty died on Christmas Eve and my mum asked if I could go to a little family get together this evening and I said I would. She said my ‘grandad’ would be there and I was a little hesitant because I can’t say we really get on all that great, never have, but I tried to put my feelings about it to the side, if I didn’t go my mum would be upset and it’s a little get together to remember my aunt by, from what I thought, anyway. Also, my Uncle G would be there, and he was travelling all the way from Australia, I had never met him before and it would be a great chance to.

Anyway… this evening I was umm’ing and arr’ing whether to go or not. I really didn’t want to because I didn’t want to be in the same room as my grandad, and I just didn’t feel up to going anyway. I was talking to Callum and he was trying to make me decide and in the end after a lot of fussing about, I decided to.

As soon as I walked in the room I was greeted by my Uncle K (aunts husband) and Uncle G (from Australia), both of them were lovely but Uncle K was a little quiet which was understandable. He was really upset because of my auns death, he said it was unexpected but we didn’t know when the funeral is, I didn’t want to ask. No one knew, don’t think a dates been arranged yet…

Anyway, mu ‘grandad’ (and I use that term lightly) was a total pig towards me, he didn’t say hello or ackowledge my presence at all. I tried to talk to him but he was ignoring what I said, when he asked a question to the group and I answered, he asked it again to the others, pretending like he didn’t hear me or whatever. He didn’t look at me. Didn’t say anything to me. It was like I just wasn’t there. First I was upset and embarrassed, then I just stopped trying and waited for him to talk to me. Ha. As if that was going to happen.

My mum keeps saying “he’s changed, he wants to get to know you, he misses you” etc…. it’s a load of rubbish. He doesn’t care. He never has. He has dislike me from the minute I was born and I don’t know why?? Because I “stole” his daughter, what sort of reason is that to hold a grudge for 20 years. I thought perhaps there was a slight possibilty we could move on from it all, how wrong I was.

*Sighs* Anyway… what family ISN’T complicated.

So now that’s two funerals I’m going to. One on Friday (my uncle R, from my dads side, who died the weekend before Christmas) and Aunty P, from my mums side, who died on Christmas eve. Bad end to the year, and a bad start.

Hiyaz

Sorry for lack of updates I have just been sooo busy and such. The rally went really well and this last weekend I was in London and had an awesome time. This week I had a really nasty chest and ended up being on the sick from work. Today my chest is feeling a lot better than goodness although I have them dreaded ‘lady pains’ so this week has generally sucked when it comes to my physical health. I do feel really, really tired today though… my immune system has taken a beating.

Tomorrow I am back in work, my contract actually ends today so I am back to casual relief tomorrow… the woman I’m covering for is meant to return off the sick but I don’t know all the details, all I know is she isn’t in tomorrow.

Anyway just thought I’d make an entry to let ya’ll know I wasn’t dead. I’ll write a proper entry tonight or tomorrow.. probably tomorrow when I feel more ‘with it’.

See ya. x

Tags: life

Hiyaz

Sorry for lack of updates I have just been sooo busy and such. The rally went really well and this last weekend I was in London and had an awesome time. This week I had a really nasty chest and ended up being on the sick from work. Today my chest is feeling a lot better than goodness although I have them dreaded ‘lady pains’ so this week has generally sucked when it comes to my physical health. I do feel really, really tired today though… my immune system has taken a beating.

Tomorrow I am back in work, my contract actually ends today so I am back to casual relief tomorrow… the woman I’m covering for is meant to return off the sick but I don’t know all the details, all I know is she isn’t in tomorrow.

Anyway just thought I’d make an entry to let ya’ll know I wasn’t dead. I’ll write a proper entry tonight or tomorrow.. probably tomorrow when I feel more ‘with it’.

See ya. x

Tags: life

An Update

I know I said I’d post an update last night but I really didn’t feel like it, but I’ll write up a quick one now…

Family Life

Well I don’t know where to start, really. It would be my step-mums birthday today and I’m finding that alone hard to deal with. We were going to go to the cemetery today but we didn’t because the weather has been so appauling her grave is right up the top of the cemetery and my dad won’t be able to get there, so we’re hoping to go tomorrow. I come from from town this morning to see my dad with his head in his arms and his voice ‘hidden’ like he was going to cry. I asked him what was wrong, thinking it was to do with my stepmum’s birthday, but he said his ‘lady friend’ has asked him to marry him.

Oh yes, his lady friend. He told me not so long ago he is seeing someone else, and has been seeing her for 3 months, but neglected to tell me in worry of how I’d react. She is in her thirties and she is a nice girl but it did come as a shock and I am finding it hard to adjust to, not that I’m telling my dad that. I’ve given dad the impression I am perfectly fine with his relationship with her, but on the inside, I’m not as comfortable as I make out to be. It’s not so much the age difference, it’s the whole new relationship thing, I don’t know, maybe I sound selfish or something. Anyway to hear my dad say she wants to get married… it came as a shock. My dad hasn’t said yes or no, he said he’ll think it over. But today of all days! What a day to bring that up.

My mum hasn’t been in contact with me for a while. Did I mention she moved house and didn’t even tell me? I only found out via passing conversation with her boyfriend’s mum. We were just generally chatting (I see her at work quite a bit) and she said “… your mum sounds happy in her new house… ” …. wow, wow, woooow… hang on, she’s moved?? I’d have thought she’d have told me. So I contacted her and she said she has moved and gave me her address.

Callum and I are still going strong (and yes, I put him in family life because he is a part of my family!). We went to London last weekend to see some friends and we had a great time. We’ve been together almost 1 and half years now.

Work life

Errrrrrrrm…. well, my contract should have been up 8th August but I’m still working full time as the decision about the job share hasn’t come through yet from the ‘top bosses’ and I’m just taking it week by week now. The girl I’m covering for should have returned on the 11th but she doesn’t want to work full time so she’s been taking leave. It’s week by week. I should hear back next week (well, I should have head back last week…). My boss can’t do anymore, it’s the continuation of the waiting game! It doesn’t look good though, from what my boss has said about the council and fact that the girl I’m covering isn’t willing to cover me if I’m off on the sick or on leave… the council may well not accept the application for a job share, as it’s not 50-50. I hate being left haning like this, it’s really unfair.

Red Cross

Well I did a few shifts at the Eisteddfod last week and it went well… my fave was covering the concert in the Pavillion, it was a music concert and I met Cerys Matthews However, by the time Monday got here I was totally exhausted. The last week really caught up with me.

Tags: family, feelings, jobs/careers, life, people, red cross, thoughts

Top 10 Fave Songs (at the moment)

My top 10 favourite songs at the moment are…

1. Nightmare (Sinister Strings Mix) – Brainbug
2. I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing – Areosmith
3. I Walk Beside You – Dream Theater
4. Children – Robert Miles
5. Bohemian Rhapsody – Queen
6. Shatter – Feeder
7. Us Against The World – Westlife
8. Who Are You – The Who
9. 4am Forever – Lostprophets
10. Tears From The Moon – Conjure One