Today we were meant to have a concert at work, an entertainer. The lounge filled up with over 50 people and we were all waiting for him to turn up, but he never. So the three of us staff got our thinking hats on and decided to put together a very quick quiz but I can’t think quickly when asked to fire off random questions so I was less than helpful with that, but afterwards we had a game of sharades and we basically made everyone laugh at our expense. We thought up some TV shows, films, musicals to act out and at one time two of us had to dance around the lounge like a pair of monkeys while the senior on duty pretended to swing from an imaginary tree – tarzan. Then we were acting out ‘Last man standing’, and I was the last man, who was standing, until I fell backwards into my colleagues arms, who dropped me. =/ Well, the audience found it hysterical. They had a good laugh, they paid for stand up comedy in the first place and they ended up getting it.

I was up early this morning and thought I had plenty of time before starting work but I still ended up rushing and leaving the house a tad late. I drive to ASDA to draw some money from the cash machine and I literally fell out of the car and stumbled onto my butt. Not many people about thankfully as it was early in the morning but there were some kids walking to school and the only thing really injured was my pride. So I get the money and drive to work.

I go into the staff room and put my bread in the toaster and make the coffees. I spill my coffee all over the floor then turn around to see the staff room full of smoke and the corridor too. I run into the corridor to open the windows and as I do I see my senior and I said, “oh Jackie, today really isn’t my day” and she says, “what’s wrong, darl’?” then she realised and ran to open some more doors but the fire alarms still went off…

The boss was there too and I explained my day to them and as I did my colleague walks in and I said, “Oh, you don’t want to work with me today!!” then they all fell about laughing. Mainly about the mental image of me falling in ASDA carpark.

I have spent the entire day catching up with myself… I thought it was the 13th then asked if it was Friday (jokingly) as it sure as heck felt like it. Gawd. Tuesday tomorrow. Please say it’ll go more smoothly…

Boyfriend: welsh stink like sheep. :p
Me:
Boyfriend: being english is the way to go. :p
Me: english are unintelligent because the only insult they can think of involves sheep
Boyfriend: we have steven hawking… who do you have?
Me: *holds up a banner saying YOU’RE LAME
Boyfriend: I’m MALE, I know. :p
Me: shirley bassey
Boyfriend: that’s nothing to be proud of. :p
Me: pfft

It then finally occurred to me that the sign was referring to the referbishment happening in the shopping centre. It’s being changed totally and it’s starting to take shape. Peacocks is one of the few stores in the shopping centre that has decided to stay open when the referbishment is happening.

Stop laughing at me. Refit = Re-fit. As it, fitting clothes. Gah, made sense to me at the time anyway, felt like a right numpty.

1. Phone answering machine message – “…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…”

2. A bloke walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied,”I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.

7. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”

To view the other twelve click the link below to read full entry.

11. “Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.” “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ” “Is it common? ” “It’s not unusual.”

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? ” “Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What? Because he’s cross-eyed? ” “No, because he’s really heavy…”

13. Guy goes into the doctor’s. “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my bum.” “How’s that?” “Don’t you start.”

14. Two elephants walk off a cliff…boom, boom!

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? fsh.

16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’

17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other “Your round.” The other one says “You’re no Twiggy yourself..!”

19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one, and let the other one off.

20. “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice of them.”

21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places” The doctor said, “Well don’t go there any more”

22. Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.