Birds and Underpants (NOT to be misread as birds IN underpants…)

… because that’ll be just weird.

Gawd I’m soooo stressed. And tired. And irritable. And just generally in a bad mood, so it seems. I’m also in pain too. I think I may have hurt my elbow when using the hoist at work today. Think I used my arm a bit too much with the hoist and stretched a muscle or something so it hurts to bend my arm but it’ll be alright.
Work has been busy this week. A new tenant. Actually, two. No, three! Three new tenants. Two of them were birds though. A tiny little sparrow got trapped between one of the firedoors. How on earth it got there is anyones guess as we haven’t got a clue. My boss phoned up the RSPB but they said they couldn’t get there until the day after so my boss got out the screwdrivers and got the bird out and put Chirpy in the office in a box with shredded paper, something to drink and some food. Boss even went outside to get the little fella a worm and he was taken to a sancturay – we heard today that the bird was released.

Another bird was found this morning, outside one of the flats. It seems it was attacked or something because it couldn’t fly and apparently when my boss went to pick the bird up he moved away or something… the boss put the bird under her wings (so to speak) and kept it in the office and phoned up the RSPB and someone collected it. They said it doesn’t look good for the bird because it was unable to fly..

A lot of paperwork this week. Phewwwwy!! Assessment this, assessment that. Admission forms (for those who have had to go to hospital) as well as the daily report forms. The poor trees that have to suffer because of the city council.

Tomorrow I’m helping out at a community centre. The place I work are setting up a stall that have bits and pieces from the tenants so we can sell, and put the money we make into their fund which goes towards trips etc. It took a good few weeks sorting out all the things we were given. From tables to cooking utensils to mexican hats to clothes such as shirts, trousers, skirts and underpants/knickers – which went into the bin. Don’t know about anyone else but I wouldn’t like to buy a second hand pair of undies. Overall there’s a lot of good stuff there. Someone recently passed away and their relative didn’t want any of the things left over in the flat and she gave them all to us, many of the things were brand new and it would be a shame for them to end up in the trash, which is where they would have gone.

On Sunday it looks like I’m providing first aid cover in Cardiff. There’s a marathon and I hope for the competitors sake the weather will be decent for them, better than it has been for the past two days – weather here has been absolutely crap.

Tags: health, jobs/careers, life, people, red cross

Career Stuff

Ok well today I have been doing a lot of research about joining the ambulance service. I joined a forum namely ‘Ambulance999′ and the information in the ‘Joining the NHS’ forum is very, very helpful indeed. I haven’t posted in the forum but am sure if I have any questions there will be people there to advise me.

I got a bit more information about the course in Swansea. It’s the nearest university that offers the
Paramedic Science course and it’s fulltime for 2 years. I need 5 GCSEs including Maths & Science and English/Welsh Language at grade C or above – which I have. But, they also want AS/A Level grades that total up 160 UCAS points – which I don’t have. I have 140 points. Also, they don’t involve a science, so that’s something I need to work towards…

One of the local colleges offers a Human Biology AS/A Level course and that’s available in the evenings. Part time, I guess, which is good, if I can carry on working… but my shift patterns change soooo I dunno. =/

I also need a C1 driving license and have just checked and I can apply for that now (18+) by the looks of it… but I’ve been told it costs an arm and a leg, into the thousands, so that’ll have to wait… Some courses provide it’s students with the C1 driving license but not at Swansea.

I could go in the traditional way – making my way up from ambulance care assistant but as time goes on it’s becoming difficult to get into the service that way and it may come to a stage where less technicians will be recruited. So it’s best to go the university way…

Hmm… just needed to get this out in words, so I can look back at it later. It all really depends on what happens in August. If I stay on, and if the lady I’m covering for does decide to leave, I’ll apply for the job and work for a while to get my monies up, I also enjoy the work. If possible, I may go into education too. If the lady doesn’t decide to leave, then the ‘casual’ pay may not be enough so I’ll go back into education.

Will see what happens. =/

Tags: jobs/career, life, thoughts

Therapy

I am seriously considering trying therapy. A few friends have mentioned it to me in the past and I have been thinking about it but each time I just let the fear take over and do nothing more but I know I need to break through that fear and do something about it, otherwise the intense feelings I go through will end up being the death of me.

In this blog I rarely talk about how I’m feeling. I know, I should, a few people who read this blog have told me I should make it a lot more personal and I am trying.

There are certain issues that I am trying to get past but whatever I do, they’re always there and I hope they’ll just go away but truth is, it’s not happening. I feel a lot of bad feeling towards myself, self hate, to the extreme. It goes back to my childhood, family life, and people who hurt me, the pain doesn’t go away. Most recently my step-mum’s death, well, I say recently, but that was in 2006, it still feels like yesterday and the horrible memories of the last few weeks of her life will remain with me forever. The guilt eats me up. Whenever people say they feel guilty over what they could have done before a loved one died I always say, “Feeling guilty isn’t going to solve anything”, and I know that’s true but I just can’t get it into my thick head. Feels like I deserve the pain. It feels like I should be suffering, because if I acted sooner than I did, my step-mum might still be here today and that feeling rips me apart.

My little baby Sam died in Jan this year too. It’s just so hard. He may have been a dog but he was like my best friend and losing my step-mum, then my dog, plus something happened in December which really messed me up, which I don’t feel like talking about. It’s just too much.

I’m sorry. I’m whining, but I needed to vent somewhere. I’m sick of unloading my crap onto my friends, I feel like a nuscence all the time even tho they say I’m not. It feels like therapy is the best way to go. I’ll type up more later.

Tags: feelings, health, life, thoughts

Dumbest 2 hours of my life

Ha, yes, it just gets better.

Yesterday I was talking to a tenant and her friend who was visiting, in her flat. This tenant had a bad chest infection and her friend said, “we are waiting for a coughing fit”. I *totally* misinterpreted what she said and I thought she meant “coffin fit” It didn’t click until about 2 hours afterwards and I was pretty embarrassed. My brain has a lot to answer for.

Tags: jobs/careers, life, people, thoughts

Lights are out

I’ve sat at the screen for 10 minutes trying to figure out how exactly to start this entry. I have so many thoughts flowing through my head all at the same time, so many feelings I just don’t know where to start.

I haven’t been feeling that great lately. Less than great. Not great. Crap. Less than crap. Now we’re getting somewhere. Feel numb, but at the same time in pain, emotionally. Deflated. Exhausted. Lonely. Tired, very tired. Energy levels plummeted to an almost non-existant level. Come home from work, just want to cry. I go to my room, fall onto the bed, trying to stop the tears from falling. Very rarely works. Unbearable. Really, unbearable.

My body is screaming. Skin is a shell, inside is a collection of cells of someone who I can’t stand. Self hatred is so strong, I cannot begin to express just how much I hate myself. I’m tired of pretending, tired of living like this. The memories and fears for the future. Doubts about the present. It’s all getting too much, and the worst thing about it is there is no way out of it. I really do mean that, no exaggeration, there is no way out of it.

I’m stuck in a corner, I don’t know what to do. Feels like I’m forever to be like this, I can’t stand another week of it, let alone another year, 2 years, 5.

Take each day is as it comes, but it’s leading to nowhere.

Tags: health, life, thoughts

Weekendness

Here’s that much awaited update

Well, now it comes down to it I’m not actually sure what to say. I had my blood test done on Friday afternoon. The nurse who stole my blood was actually really nice and kept talking to me throughout but I was fine. Sitting in the waiting room they have these screens that show the name of the patient and what room they need go into it and what doctor they are going to see. It was somewhat amusing sitting there watching the names because some of them sound or looked (or both) so silleh. “She doesn’t look like a Gladys Cadenhead”

I went to Swindon on Friday and stayed until Sunday. Woke up at 6am on Sunday morning and it was covered in snow. There must have been subliminal messages because everyone woke up in the house at that time… on a Sunday… strange goings on. Ok that sounded like I slept from Friday to Sunday morning. Haha. Nada. I took some photos while I was there and Callum, his dad and mum and I all went out for a meal on Sunday afternoon as well as having a little shop in TK Maxx, his mum and I went handbag shopping.

So ya, came home on Sunday, ready for work on Monday. House M.D Season 3 arrived from Amazon on Saturday.. would you believe it… it’s almost Tuesday, and I haven’t watched the whole DVD boxset yet?

Tags: family, health, life, people

Fear

Ok, what I’m about to type may be a load of senseless babble but it’s stuck in my head so thought I’d make an entry out of it.

I’ve been thinking, next to love and hate, what is the strongest emotion out there? I guess you could say every emotion experienced can be a strong feeling, depending on the situation, people involved and other factors – which, is true – however I think one of the strongest out there has to be fear, at least for me. Fear has a lot to answer for.

Read more…

Tags: health, life, random thoughts, thoughts

Last Blog For A Week

This will most likely be my last blog for the week. I need to go to work in an hour and I’ll finish at 10pm (I really should have booked this day off, too), then I’ll drive to the train station to pick up Callum and then we’ll come home and I’ll do a bit more cleaning etc.

I went to the doctors this morning. They want me to book an appointment with the nurse so they can take some blood and do some testing. I have been feeling so under the weather, tired all the time, lacking concentration and feeling faint and dizzy. My doctor thinks it’s anemia. She checked my glands but she couldn’t find any in my neck nor under my arms. Am I human? The blood testing will have to wait until I come back – the dr said that’s ok.

Washed the car this morning. Bought oil for it yesterday to fill her up and got a hoover too. It looks nice. I found the charger for my sat nav – it was on my bed all time hiding under some clothes. Just need to polish the dashboard and it’ll look hot all the other cars will be screaming to park near her.

Anyway I’ll end here. Hope you all have a fab week!

Tags: health, life

Lazy Drivers

Typical day at work today, each day that goes past I get more and more frustrated with a roundabout I need to go around to get home. People just don’t indicate. Out of all my driving pet peeves, that is the main one. People who are too darn lazy to indicate. I sit at a busy three laned roundabout and wait for it to be clear before getting on there, two lanes clear at one time but there’s traffic in the outside lane, they turn off and take the exit before they go past me and it infuriates me so much because if they INDICATED and SIGNALED to me that they were taking THAT exit I could have gone. But no, I wait and by the time they’re taking the exit more traffic arrives. Le sigh.

I get home and my dads in my ear about cleaning up etc before we go away on Friday. I started tidying my bedroom and it’s looking better. I take a break to watch Home & Away (plus tomorrows episode on Five Life), put a pie in the oven and go back upstairs, ending up falling asleep on the bed. My dad wakes me up an hour later, I think it’s morning, panicking that I’m late for work, running down the stairs and normality finally hits me. Also the fact a pie has been in the oven 40 minutes longer than it should. It was alright though.

I’ve been trying to book a doctors appointment at my clinic but you can only book an appointment between 8am – 8:30am and it’s a little hard for me considering I start work during this time. But, I phoned a few times, and kept getting engaged. I then phoned at 11am (may as well) and it was still engaged. Phoned yesterday and it was closed for lunch then in the afternoon said there were no space left. I’ll try again tomorrow, I want to go before Friday if possible.

I think I’ve lost the car charger for my sat nav… I don’t know how, it must be here somewhere. The battery life only lasts 2 hours and the trip to Cornwall takes roughly 3 hours. Knowing me, I’ll get lost (regardless of the sat nav), so add an extra hour or two on top of that… le sigh. I’ll have a good look around tonight.

Tags: health, life, people, thoughts

A trip to the Vets!

Ok I am very tired tonight but I’ll try my best to make this entry readable and understandable. Today I took my dog to the vets, he hasn’t been well at all recently. We gave him some bones a few days ago, the next day he vomited and since then he hasn’t eaten and just seems out of it. He won’t go upstairs to his bed either, so I have been sleeping downstairs on the sofa (which is far from comfortable), and I’m sleeping on the sofa again tonight to keep him company, don’t want to leave Sam all on his own downstairs.

I took him to the vets this morning to get his nails clipped and explain what’s been going on. He has been drinking, peeing and doing his business, I think he does want to eat but just doesn’t feel like it for some reason. Anyway, they gave him an examination (my poor baby boy, finger up his bumbum, he wasn’t best pleased and hid his head under my arm) and said we could either try the medication which should get him eating by tomorrow or have an xray to find the cause of the tenderness on Sam’s abdominal area. I phoned my dad, and we both agreed to go for the xray as if there is a real problem, the medication only masks it and down the line it’ll be worse for Sam, he isn’t getting any younger.

So… I had to leave my poor lil boy at the vets. When I said goodbye and was leaving, Sam wouldn’t walk with the vet so he gave him an ultimatium, “you’re either going to walk with me, or I’ll carry you”. He chose the latter.

It has been so hard. The vet said to pick him up in the afternoon but them 6 hours waiting at home for a call from the vet to tell us to pick him up was so long. Dad and I kept looking over at his bed, I came home from shopping expecting to see him, my dad was whistling to get Sam’s attention even though he wasn’t there. It was weird. I was so glad to get the phonecall and pick him up.

The vet shown me the xray, it was all clear. The tenderness, he said, was most likely caused by some fluid but there’s no need to open him up or anything… no medication, either. The vet gave him an injection to stop his nausea and I was told to feed him on chicken & rice and see how he goes… if no improvement, go back for more tests.

Tonight, he hasn’t eaten anything. Le sigh. I am really hoping he eats tomorrow… even if it’s only a tiny bit.

Vet bills!! Oh yes… today…
Nails clipped: £4.50
Examination (consisting of the anal examination and just feeling around his belly): £18.50
Xray: £40
+ VAT
= £95.94

But at the end of the day, I really do not mind paying out. I just want my lil baby to be healthy again.

Tags: family, health, pets