Toby is sitting behind me on this chair – when will he realise this chair is for one person? I’m too soft, I know I am. But he’s so gawd damn cute I can’t help myself.

I dunno I’m juggling quite a bit and I’ve got so much going on in my head it makes me feel down but I’m trying to keep my head up, keep smiling, and keep saying “I’m OK”.

I want to start college in September, I have an interview on Thursday. Last college interview I went to I was told there’s no point in me taking the course on because my work schedule clashes and I’ll miss too much of the course. I’m casual, I could lose my job in a few weeks, or months – it’s anyones guess. I can’t do a job share as I’m casual and they’ll soon be looking for full-time staff (I’m not sure to get that as I would need to reapply, interview process etc all over again, one of my colleagues was in the position I’m in and she didn’t get a permanent job because another applicant for the position had more qualifications and was deemed more suitable). I’ve been applying for other jobs but got no where, everything just seems so up in the air at the moment.

My head is fried and I feel like crying, I know what I want but can’t get it and fear I never will. I’m scared things aren’t going to change and even if they do I’m worried that it won’t work out or things will go wrong. I don’t know. I’m due to start counselling soon to talk about certain things, such a milestone for me I’m not sure if I’m strong enough. I want to run away from everything. I just don’t know what to do for the best, about everything. Roll on the weekend, as soon as I’m in Jims arms I’m sure it’ll make me feel better.

Speaking of money I am more concerned about my job now than ever. We changed employers last week and I should have got two payslips… one from my last employer and my new employer but I only got payslip from my last employer. I’m worried now that I’m not on their books, they don’t want to carry me over etc… I haven’t been getting any of the letters and documents that my colleagues have, because I was casual, I was told. But my boss told me not to worry, if I was going to be let go they’d have done it by now. But I dunno… I haven’t had the chance to ask my boss yet as I only checked my pay Friday afternoon, I’m not due back in until tomorrow… One day, one month, I will get a payslip where I will actually be happy with it and won’t need to ask my boss “what’s this about? why haven’t I got paid?” One day. Hopefully.

I remember items being thrown across the room. I remember her hitting one of my relatives to the floor. I remember the cruel exchanging of words between my parents. I remember crying under a table on Christmas Day after yet another row. I remember the threats. I remember everyday I came home from school I dreaded walking through the door, and I’d listen before I went in, to see if there was a row in progress. I remember screaming at the top of my lungs begging the rowing to stop. I remember the day my mum left for good. My dad and mum were arguing in her bedroom, as she was packing her things to leave, I ran up the stairs and tried to stop her and my dad said to me “you don’t want to know what your mum wanted to do when she heard she was pregnant”. To this day I don’t know what he meant, and I don’t want to ask, I can guess. I remember when she left, I ran after her down the street, screaming and pulling her sleeves trying to get her back. I didn’t have any shoes or socks on, I didn’t care.

The atmosphere was tense at home. Sure, there were days when there weren’t rows but more often than not, there were. It was like a bomb waiting to explode and every day, I was waiting for something to kick off, hoping it wouldn’t. My mum moving out was probably the best thing that could have happened… no way could we all live under the same roof. Arguments carried on between my mum and dad with me in the middle.  Torn between the pair of them. Although to be honest I know it sounds horrible but I have always prefered my dad over my mum, and my step-mum was more of a real mum to me.

I very rarely heard from my mum, but since I turned 18 we’ve been in more contact. We get on now, but that mother-daughter bond that should be there, isn’t. It’s strained. I do love her but I dunno… I wish we got on better than we do but I don’t think it’s going to happen. We’re going out for a meal tomorrow anyway for Mothers Day. I just hope the subject of my “grandad” doesn’t come up, because that always results in an arguement between us.

And to confirm, yes, my dad, real mum, step-mum and I all lived under the same roof… Hard to believe a step-mum AND biological mother would. I did live with my mum and “grandad” for a short time after I was born, but he treated both of us terribly and my dad and step-mum said we could move in with them, and that’s how it all started. My step-mum practically took me as her own, I think my real mum was ‘relieved’ as I was off her shoulders… she wasn’t ready for a child. Anyway, that’s another story for perhaps another time. I just needed to rant for a bit.

I have had the ‘pleasure’ of being in the presence of two idiots in the last 24 hours. A plank on the motorway and my dad.

Story Of the Plank On the Motorway.

I was driving to Cardiff via the M4 late last night and it was dark (obviously). There are some major work contruction work around this part and as a result, only two lanes are operating. I was in the outside lane. In the nearside lane to the front of me, was a car and infront of him was a lorry. I saw the lorry slam on his brakes then swerve half into the next lane (one I was in) then of course the car behind hit the brakes and managed to get into the other lane thankfully there was enough room otherwise it would have been ugly! What caused this? A cyclist who has the IQ of a plank who decided to cycle on the motorway, didn’t have any lights or nothing, not that it would have made it excusable if he did. He wasn’t even cycling straight he was all over the lane, good thing the lorry driver was looking and the roads weren’t that busy otherwise there’d have definitely been a pile up.

Story of My Dad

Sigh. Where do I start? Well to sum it all up – his relationship with woman less than half his age who cannot speak much English, who’s family is taking my dad for a ride. Yeah I think that pretty much sums it up. Don’t get me wrong, the age isn’t really a bother to me but everything else is. I could rant about her family for ages but this post would end up extremely long so I’ll just include the outlines. He has known her and the family for a year and at the start they were really lovely, but then they started hinting towards money problems and we agreed to give them a loan. They promised they would start paying it back the next month but they haven’t yet, I’ve been told I’ll get a first payment this month – we’ll see. I’ve heard it before. L (dad’s fiancee) is from another country and she went there for a few months to look after a relative of hers, she kept putting off the date because she couldn’t afford the fare so my dad paid for her ticket because he missed her etc.

 The day before she is due back, her family asks if I can drive with them to Bristol Airport to pick her up, because I can talk English and may be useful if they get any problems along the way. I was ok with that. No problem. On the day, about 15 minutes BEFORE we were going to pick L up, her family ask if they can borrow my sat nav because theirs was faulty (I got it back straight after the journey, made sure of that). Asked to borrow petrol money as they didn’t have enough to get there and back (they ended up paying themselves). Dropped the bombshell that the father who was driving the car didn’t have a full UK license, only a provisional and wanted me, as a full license holder, to show my license if anything goes wrong. WHAT THE HECK!??? This really irritated me and I was certainly NOT happy. So they wanted me to go because of my English, huh? Yeah. Right. And I was born yesterday too. They are a nice family in the way that they don’t want,want,want all the time but they do expect a lot from us, and I worry my dad is falling into it.

I know they have been planning to marry for a while – L’s family had a lot to do with that, pushing my dad, he is quite content just living together or something. But now he is going for the marriage, and tonight L came by and dad asked me to go into the other room and shut the door so I couldn’t listen. I did listen. He said to L they can get married next year and he has … thousand to help them both settle down. I didn’t catch the amount, but it ended with thousand. He ust have got a loan or something because we don’t have that sort of cash. He is so besotted with her, I have bought up my concerns with him and he’s convinced L is for real. I pretend I’m “happy” when she’s here but deep down I don’t like her, and I’m getting tired of him talking about her. But he’s happy. She’s happy. I don’t know… Maybe calling my dad an idiot is a bit extreme and wrong, I just think he’s been badly sucked in and I worry he’s going to get hurt. I just don’t like the family. There’s nothing I can do about it.

2009 has got off to such a crap start, my head feels overwhelmed with everything and I can’t think straight. I don’t know what I’m doing, where I’m going, what to do next or anything. Was hoping to make this year productive but now… I feel so unmotivated, it’s hard. Really hard. Got my payslip today too and was expecting a decent one as I’ve worked all through Christmas, full time, including triple pay for Christmas/New Year but what I got paid was absolutely appauling. The worst payslip I have had since I’ve been there.

When are things going to go right? Seriously. NOTHING has gone right.

Yes, I’m in one of them moods. Ignore me.

I forget I have these smileys… I need to use them more often.

Anyway, today Callum, dad and myself were invited to a nieghbours for a few hours. The family only recently moved to the UK from Europe and they are a lovely family. They are quite a big family and only 2 of them speak good English (the others know bits and pieces) so these two ended up doing the translating for the family. They were showing us their family video and shown us around the house, invited us to stay for lunch but we said we would another time.

I’m tired today, and my cough is still there it’s driving me crazy. I still can’t taste food which is annoying especially as it’s Christmas and there’s all sorts of yummy food around.

Hmm… “Sketchy finished in third place”. Ruining my lucky run.

Wow, what a day… work as stressful and I didn’t stop. Started almost as soon as I started work when I walked in a flat to see a tenant on the floor, not moving or talking. I was concerned but felt a sense of relief when I heard moans and groans and incoherant sounds coming from here. She said she felt sick and was vomiting on the carpet so I asked her if she fell, did she hurt herself/in any pain, did she bang her head and she said no, she just fell. My senior arrived and we had to call in my colleague to help out so there were three of us with her. It was a difficult task getting her up off the floor (she was laying in the most uncomfortable of positions) and onto a bed, we did use an inflatable cushion but she concerned me a lot, looks like she had a possible stroke.

Another tenant is dying, in complete heart failure and there is absolutely nothing we can do for her, and it has upset the staff as well as her fellow nieghbours who know about it (her friends). She is a lovely, lovely lady who has a wonderfully supportive family (unfortunately, it’s not the case with a lot of the others…), she is so weak, this lady knows she is dying, the way she talks and I honestly think people do know when it is ‘their time’. Today my boss spoke to her at length and she will not go into hospital, to be honest I can understand her. This lady knows everyone and they think of us, the staff, as good friends, family, people they know. No one wants to die in hospital on their own and possibily down to one of the numerous infections floating about on the wards… It just makes me so sad, I really, really hope she makes it through to the new year, I think that is what this lady is fighting for.
You feel useless but I think in times like this they just appreciate the company and care, my job is rewarding but at the same time you just cannot help but get attached to the tenants and you do think of them as friends so at times it can be depressing.

There’s quite a few tenants who are ill, between going back and forth to their flats and serving up the Boxing Day 3 course lunch it has been busy… my colleague asked if I wanted to go out tonight but I was so tired I said I’d rather stay in and do nothing. Ha, right. As soon as I got home I was back out at Tescos shopping (food shopping, not ‘January Sales’, they can kiss my ass). Then I cleaned up the living room. Then I cleaned the gerbil cage, and cooked the dinner, set up the new DVD player. Now I’m drinking a glass of wine.

Providing first aid cover tomorrow at the Welsh National, you may see me on the TV

One of the tenants was stone deaf but thank goodness she was able to read it and sign to say she understood it. Another one is very hard of hearing (in denial about that fact) and she didn’t have reading glasses (prefer to read it out anyway) and I was in her flat for ages trying to explain it because everything I was saying, she wasn’t paying attention because she was so certain she knew what to do… when she didn’t. I kept my cool, when I felt like banging my head against the wall. Another tenant has bad confusion so that was fun explaining to her. Another tenant likes to pick holes in everything and when I finished reading it out she of course had to pick up on a few ‘contradictions’ … when there aren’t any contradictions. They are clear cut and to the point, they have to be to be understood.

Anyway by the time I finished my board tonight (took almost 4 hours) I had a bit of a sore throat. The boss asked if they understood it and I said the number of times I read it out, I, for one, definitely did. Thing is they understand it NOW, but tomorrow, or in a weeks time, it’ll be a different story for many, so we’ll need to do that every few weeks/months I think.

Onto other news, I have been telling people I haven’t been scared about what my dads ex girlfriends current boyfriend (or whoever) said to me, and I thought I wasn’t, but tonight I was leaving work and I felt ultra anxious. My car was in the car park and I couldn’t help but keep looking around and as soon as I got into the car I locked all the doors. I hate it when people target you emotionally. I honestly don’t know if she will carry out the threats or not, I guess if she was going to, would have by now.

Anyway, time for a drink, see yaz.

Well… I’ll tell you one thing that’s on my mind a lot, first. My job!! *sighs* I am on a 3 month job share and it started earlier this month. The other day I got my payslip and OMG I had such a shock, I’m getting a lot less than I thought I would be… my basic pay is something stupid and all the overtime I did last month I don’t get until next month. Due to direct debits I have a good few hundred going out of my account each month, a day after I get paid, now I’m left with very little of it. I have been thinking a lot about it and am considering going for another job. The one I’m in now, sure I enjoy it and I love my colleagues, but it’s dead-end. The pay isn’t all that grand either, to be honest.

My dad has been talking a lot about his girlfriend and I’m pretty much tired of it. I haven’t said, I keep my mouth zipped but she’s all he talks about, he’s worse than a love struck teenager. Hehe It’s nice and all that that they love each other like they do but gee…

I tidied my room too! Shock, horror. The thing is, it’s nice when it’s done but how long does it last?? We have a decent sized house but have so much stuff here, many of which we don’t use. Dad and I were talking about holding a bootsale yesterday and it’s a good idea. He said he’ll talk to his girlfriend about it, because she goes to a lot of bootsales.

Anyway I’m doing washing at the moment… when my step-mum died a few years ago I had to learn everything from scratch. How to do washing, cooking etc… because her good nature meant she wouldn’t let us. I have been using tablets in the washing but today I put washing powder in the machine and I’m getting visions now of the whole kitchen floor being flooded with soap. I washed it once this morning, but I guess another wash wouldn’t do it any harm…