Work and such

Today I got some bad news at work, my boss called me into her office and said it is looking unlikely I will get a contract with our new employers and I could be let go. She said I am going to be sent notice from my previous employers (which is fine, as we are not being employed by them anymore) but the new employers are not keen on the idea of giving me a contract. I don’t know why, I guess it’s because I’m ‘casual’ and they are looking for ways to help cut their costs and they think because I’m ‘casual’ I’m not important to the team but if I go they are going to struggle to find cover for the shifts I work. I’m full time working 38 hours a week, this isn’t a job where you call in agency if you’re short of staff because it takes a lot of time to know the building, the tenants, how it works etc… 2 of my colleagues are going to have time off soon because of medical reasons another is about to go on maternity leave in a few months. They’re 3 down there for a start. Then there’s weekend cover, if I’m free and feeling up to it I’m handy at providing cover, sometimes last minute. I get on great with all my colleauges and the tenants, and when I told my colleagues tonight of the news they were stunned and angry.

My boss told me not to worry. How can I not? My job is really on the line here and it all goes down to one last e-mail that my boss is waiting for, she won’t get it until Monday now. I’m not in work until Thursday so I’m left hanging until then. I was a bit surprised when she told me (I shouldn’t have been)  and now I’m thinking of all sorts of questions I didn’t ask at the time. I wonder if I’m going to get any notice or if I’m going to be laid off there and then. Will I get paid for my last month of work? I don’t know if I’m going yet but it really doesn’t look good. At least my boss is fighting my corner.

When I heard the news I continued work and as I went into a flat I felt my eyes fill up. I’m a bit soft really, but I do love my job. I held it together anyway but now I’m worrying sick.

I’m going to London tomorrow so I need to try and get it out of my mind, at least until I come home and then try and figure something out. I’m going to see some friends this weekend and am really looking forward to it.

The lady I mentioned in the last entry is still alive, talking a bit tonight but is so sleepy and weak. My senior went in to see her earlier in the day and this lady mentioned she liked her scarf and the senior said she could have it, so she put it around her neck gently. It has hearts on it and my senior said it shows love from all us girls. I went to see her just before the end of my shift, she was asleep then so I just sat with her for a bit and kissed her on the forehead before I left. I’m not in again until Thursday next week, don’t know what’s going to happen by then.

Tags: work

Work and Rushing

Today has been rush, rush, rush. I have hardly stopped. Had to go to the shops this morning and do some washing and ironing. Booked a taxi to take me to work at 2:50pm but it got here 15 mins early. Taxis are never early!!! I was upstairs in the bathroom and I hear the taxi beeping outside. Can’t a girl have a pee in peace? Haha

Anyway work was busy too and was really sad. One lady there is terminally ill (posted about her a while ago) and today she went onto the syringe driver. She refused to go on when I posted the last entry because once you go on that, that’s it. In a few days, perhaps a week or 2, you’ll most likely die. It is the last resort and is given to terminal patients who are in severe pain. This lady put it off for as long as she could but now she accepts she can’t fight anymore and the pain is just too much. I went to see her today, I see her whenever I can as do my colleagues and she was so weak she couldn’t talk, her small skeletal frame you can tell how cancer has eaten away at her body. Tonight I went to see her before I went off my shift and she was asleep, most likely won’t wake up from it. I held her small hand in mine and kissed her on the forehead. She doesn’t want to go into a hospital or hospice, wants to die at home in the company of people who love and care for her.

This lady has been so scared of dying. Wanted the pain to stop, to give up, but at the same time so frightened of what happens during and after death. Didn’t want to be left alone, we did and are doing everything we can to give her company around the clock. Now she has nightsitters, who I think are qualified nurses who can administer another painkiller when she wants it (as well as the syringe driver she is on now, but from what I understand that automatically adminsiters the morphine based medication).

At least now she is sleeping she is totally out of it and isn’t scared of the inevitable. I really would be surprised if I sign in my shift tomorrow and find out this lady is still alive. Terribly sad. I know we are support workers but we do get close to our clients using the service and we have been caring for her a lot these past few months. I think it’s going to hit all of us when it happens. All I hope for is she goes peacefully in her sleep, no more pain, no more suffering. I hope it’s not as scary as she fears it’ll be.

I’m going to bed now, night all.

Tags: life, work

Poor Baby Car is Unwell!!

I am really tired tonight but thought I’d type up a post. I saw my boss about the pay and she contacted the dudette who sorts out our payslips etc and she confirmed it is right. Because I am casual I get paid differently to my colleagues. My colleagues all work a set number of hours, so it automatically goes in at the end of each month. Because I’m casual they need to wait for my timesheet to see what hours I’ve covered – even though I’m pretty much working fulltime and I work the same hours as my colleagues, they still gotta see my timesheet as I’m casual, so I get paid a month behind everyone else. *Sigh* I don’t know. It really confuses me. So complicated.

Anyway my car is playing up something stupid. The gears have been pretty messed up lately and I find it hard to drive. The 1st and 2nd gears keep getting jammed and won’t ‘go in’, when I think I’ve got into 1st it’s actually 3rd, when I think I’ve gone into 2nd it’s gone into 4th.  The reverse isn’t working at all. I looked like a right idiot today when I got stuck in the works car park. I parked on a bit of a ‘hill’ hoping I’d roll down it backwards if I took the handbrake off but it didn’t happen – I ended up not rolling so I had to rock in my car seat trying to get it to move. Ha. I can laugh about it now but it wasn’t funny then!!

Anyway it’s no good… got it checked by the garage and it’s something wrong with the clutch I think, and it’ll cost £150 to fix by looks of. I’ll get taxi to work tomorrow and Friday, then I’m in London until Tuesday so I’ll get it fixed on Wednesday. It needs to be fixed, I can’t drive it when it’s like that.

Tags: driving, work

Mum and Money

The meal today went surprisingly well, we had a good chat about a lot of things and the meal was yummy too. Mixed grill followed by Chocolate brownie sundae with chocolate sauce, cream and ice cream. Was yummy but I felt so sick afterwards! I ended up talking about my dads relationship with L and how they plan to marry and move in together when she returns from her home country (she needs to go back next month for a court case), which could be a few months time. I told her when they move in together I will most likely end up moving out because I know I won’t be able to live in the environment, it will be too weird, especially with a little kid running around. We were talking about rent and I was saying I won’t be able to afford much considering my salary and bills I need to pay, plus the additional bills that come with renting such as electric/gas, tax etc… she said if I do decide to move out I could move in with her as she has a spare room. I didn’t say yes I didn’t say no, I thanked her for the offer and said I’ll consider it if the time comes… the concept of moving in with her is strange, I’d really need to think about it but it was nice of her to offer, regardless.

Speaking of money I am more concerned about my job now than ever. We changed employers last week and I should have got two payslips… one from my last employer and my new employer but I only got payslip from my last employer. I’m worried now that I’m not on their books, they don’t want to carry me over etc… I haven’t been getting any of the letters and documents that my colleagues have, because I was casual, I was told. But my boss told me not to worry, if I was going to be let go they’d have done it by now. But I dunno… I haven’t had the chance to ask my boss yet as I only checked my pay Friday afternoon, I’m not due back in until tomorrow… One day, one month, I will get a payslip where I will actually be happy with it and won’t need to ask my boss “what’s this about? why haven’t I got paid?” One day. Hopefully.

Tags: family, feelings, thoughts, work

My Mum

Today the weather was lovely and I have spent a lot of it outdoors, I went for walks and sat down by the river with only seagulls for company. I did a lot of thinking, mainly about the past. Last night I was talking to a friend and the subject of my mother vaguely came up and I guess that contributed but also the fact that Mothers Day is tomorrow, I’ve been ‘reflecting’ and the sad truth is I can’t remember many happy memories involving my mum when I was young. Unfortunately I remember a heck of a lot of rows. And I mean, a lot. Almost all of them involved my mum.

I remember items being thrown across the room. I remember her hitting one of my relatives to the floor. I remember the cruel exchanging of words between my parents. I remember crying under a table on Christmas Day after yet another row. I remember the threats. I remember everyday I came home from school I dreaded walking through the door, and I’d listen before I went in, to see if there was a row in progress. I remember screaming at the top of my lungs begging the rowing to stop. I remember the day my mum left for good. My dad and mum were arguing in her bedroom, as she was packing her things to leave, I ran up the stairs and tried to stop her and my dad said to me “you don’t want to know what your mum wanted to do when she heard she was pregnant”. To this day I don’t know what he meant, and I don’t want to ask, I can guess. I remember when she left, I ran after her down the street, screaming and pulling her sleeves trying to get her back. I didn’t have any shoes or socks on, I didn’t care.

The atmosphere was tense at home. Sure, there were days when there weren’t rows but more often than not, there were. It was like a bomb waiting to explode and every day, I was waiting for something to kick off, hoping it wouldn’t. My mum moving out was probably the best thing that could have happened… no way could we all live under the same roof. Arguments carried on between my mum and dad with me in the middle.  Torn between the pair of them. Although to be honest I know it sounds horrible but I have always prefered my dad over my mum, and my step-mum was more of a real mum to me.

I very rarely heard from my mum, but since I turned 18 we’ve been in more contact. We get on now, but that mother-daughter bond that should be there, isn’t. It’s strained. I do love her but I dunno… I wish we got on better than we do but I don’t think it’s going to happen. We’re going out for a meal tomorrow anyway for Mothers Day. I just hope the subject of my “grandad” doesn’t come up, because that always results in an arguement between us.

And to confirm, yes, my dad, real mum, step-mum and I all lived under the same roof… Hard to believe a step-mum AND biological mother would. I did live with my mum and “grandad” for a short time after I was born, but he treated both of us terribly and my dad and step-mum said we could move in with them, and that’s how it all started. My step-mum practically took me as her own, I think my real mum was ‘relieved’ as I was off her shoulders… she wasn’t ready for a child. Anyway, that’s another story for perhaps another time. I just needed to rant for a bit.

Tags: family, feelings, thoughts

Meh…

Well I intended to hugely update Life’s Chronicles tonight but I really can’t bring myself to do it. I wanted to fully revamp it, new layout and everything but Photoshop is being a pain up the arse and it’s just driving me nuts, I can’t seem to get my head into it these days. Sigh. So frustrating.

Tags: lifes chronicles, photoshop

Miss Forget-me-not

Current Mood: Loopy

I went to town today with the intention of:

1) Sorting out my money
2) Sending off my passport application
3) Putting a new battery in my watch

But I…

1) Forgot banks shut early on a Saturday
2) Forgot to take documents
3) Forgot to take watch.

I’m useless!

Tags: life

Two Idiots

Current Mood: Skeptical

I have had the ‘pleasure’ of being in the presence of two idiots in the last 24 hours. A plank on the motorway and my dad.

Story Of the Plank On the Motorway.

I was driving to Cardiff via the M4 late last night and it was dark (obviously). There are some major work contruction work around this part and as a result, only two lanes are operating. I was in the outside lane. In the nearside lane to the front of me, was a car and infront of him was a lorry. I saw the lorry slam on his brakes then swerve half into the next lane (one I was in) then of course the car behind hit the brakes and managed to get into the other lane thankfully there was enough room otherwise it would have been ugly! What caused this? A cyclist who has the IQ of a plank who decided to cycle on the motorway, didn’t have any lights or nothing, not that it would have made it excusable if he did. He wasn’t even cycling straight he was all over the lane, good thing the lorry driver was looking and the roads weren’t that busy otherwise there’d have definitely been a pile up.

Story of My Dad

Sigh. Where do I start? Well to sum it all up – his relationship with woman less than half his age who cannot speak much English, who’s family is taking my dad for a ride. Yeah I think that pretty much sums it up. Don’t get me wrong, the age isn’t really a bother to me but everything else is. I could rant about her family for ages but this post would end up extremely long so I’ll just include the outlines. He has known her and the family for a year and at the start they were really lovely, but then they started hinting towards money problems and we agreed to give them a loan. They promised they would start paying it back the next month but they haven’t yet, I’ve been told I’ll get a first payment this month – we’ll see. I’ve heard it before. L (dad’s fiancee) is from another country and she went there for a few months to look after a relative of hers, she kept putting off the date because she couldn’t afford the fare so my dad paid for her ticket because he missed her etc.

 The day before she is due back, her family asks if I can drive with them to Bristol Airport to pick her up, because I can talk English and may be useful if they get any problems along the way. I was ok with that. No problem. On the day, about 15 minutes BEFORE we were going to pick L up, her family ask if they can borrow my sat nav because theirs was faulty (I got it back straight after the journey, made sure of that). Asked to borrow petrol money as they didn’t have enough to get there and back (they ended up paying themselves). Dropped the bombshell that the father who was driving the car didn’t have a full UK license, only a provisional and wanted me, as a full license holder, to show my license if anything goes wrong. WHAT THE HECK!??? This really irritated me and I was certainly NOT happy. So they wanted me to go because of my English, huh? Yeah. Right. And I was born yesterday too. They are a nice family in the way that they don’t want,want,want all the time but they do expect a lot from us, and I worry my dad is falling into it.

I know they have been planning to marry for a while – L’s family had a lot to do with that, pushing my dad, he is quite content just living together or something. But now he is going for the marriage, and tonight L came by and dad asked me to go into the other room and shut the door so I couldn’t listen. I did listen. He said to L they can get married next year and he has … thousand to help them both settle down. I didn’t catch the amount, but it ended with thousand. He ust have got a loan or something because we don’t have that sort of cash. He is so besotted with her, I have bought up my concerns with him and he’s convinced L is for real. I pretend I’m “happy” when she’s here but deep down I don’t like her, and I’m getting tired of him talking about her. But he’s happy. She’s happy. I don’t know… Maybe calling my dad an idiot is a bit extreme and wrong, I just think he’s been badly sucked in and I worry he’s going to get hurt. I just don’t like the family. There’s nothing I can do about it.

Tags: driving, family, feelings, life, people, ranting, thoughts

3 Years

Well it’s another aniversary of my step-mums death. I still miss her and every anniversary, every birthday, every Mothers Day etc I look for signs from her. I strongly believe in signs and spirits etc and anything good that happens I think she has something to do with. Today I found one pound on the kitchen floor, when I was driving to work, past a friend who I haven’t seen for a while and who is never down that neck of the woods, the nightsky is clear and there is a really bright star in the sky, I always say my step-mum is the brightest one.

Them things seem really small, but everything little counts to me, just to know she is still there, and to know she isn’t far away, I find it comforting.

I love you J x RIP

Tags: family