Therapy
I am seriously considering trying therapy. A few friends have mentioned it to me in the past and I have been thinking about it but each time I just let the fear take over and do nothing more but I know I need to break through that fear and do something about it, otherwise the intense feelings I go through will end up being the death of me.
In this blog I rarely talk about how I’m feeling. I know, I should, a few people who read this blog have told me I should make it a lot more personal and I am trying.
There are certain issues that I am trying to get past but whatever I do, they’re always there and I hope they’ll just go away but truth is, it’s not happening. I feel a lot of bad feeling towards myself, self hate, to the extreme. It goes back to my childhood, family life, and people who hurt me, the pain doesn’t go away. Most recently my step-mum’s death, well, I say recently, but that was in 2006, it still feels like yesterday and the horrible memories of the last few weeks of her life will remain with me forever. The guilt eats me up. Whenever people say they feel guilty over what they could have done before a loved one died I always say, “Feeling guilty isn’t going to solve anything”, and I know that’s true but I just can’t get it into my thick head. Feels like I deserve the pain. It feels like I should be suffering, because if I acted sooner than I did, my step-mum might still be here today and that feeling rips me apart.
My little baby Sam died in Jan this year too. It’s just so hard. He may have been a dog but he was like my best friend and losing my step-mum, then my dog, plus something happened in December which really messed me up, which I don’t feel like talking about. It’s just too much.
I’m sorry. I’m whining, but I needed to vent somewhere. I’m sick of unloading my crap onto my friends, I feel like a nuscence all the time even tho they say I’m not. It feels like therapy is the best way to go. I’ll type up more later.
Hey, its ok for you to get help if you feel like it. There is nothing wrong in trying to help yourself. I know you’ve been through hard times and I envy you because of your strength and courage. Im always there for you on msn and on forum. And I don’t mind if you unload your crap on me, I have a big crap wagon lol. Anyway, stay strong and don’t lose your hope! Yours, Adrian!
A lot of people have been through some serious shit in their life, me being one of them, you may even find difficulty believing that because I am quite a positive person now, but I’m not joking when I say I went to hell and back a couple of years ago. Actually I would say now that my breakdown was ultimately the making of me, even though I would rather not have gone through it.
It seems that the hurts inflicted by people or because of things that happen to people are the hardest to get through, and that certainly rings true in your case by the sounds of it. I think a good attitude and heart is the key to improve things, and by the sounds of it you’re going in the right direction, even though it probably doesn’t seem that way.