Lights are out
I’ve sat at the screen for 10 minutes trying to figure out how exactly to start this entry. I have so many thoughts flowing through my head all at the same time, so many feelings I just don’t know where to start.
I haven’t been feeling that great lately. Less than great. Not great. Crap. Less than crap. Now we’re getting somewhere. Feel numb, but at the same time in pain, emotionally. Deflated. Exhausted. Lonely. Tired, very tired. Energy levels plummeted to an almost non-existant level. Come home from work, just want to cry. I go to my room, fall onto the bed, trying to stop the tears from falling. Very rarely works. Unbearable. Really, unbearable.
My body is screaming. Skin is a shell, inside is a collection of cells of someone who I can’t stand. Self hatred is so strong, I cannot begin to express just how much I hate myself. I’m tired of pretending, tired of living like this. The memories and fears for the future. Doubts about the present. It’s all getting too much, and the worst thing about it is there is no way out of it. I really do mean that, no exaggeration, there is no way out of it.
I’m stuck in a corner, I don’t know what to do. Feels like I’m forever to be like this, I can’t stand another week of it, let alone another year, 2 years, 5.
Take each day is as it comes, but it’s leading to nowhere.
As far as I know you, you are a nice and beautiful person! Don’t lose your faith, it may look hopeless but thats only the moment from whats right. Read some articles on this link, i think they are helpful: http://chetday.com/selfimprovementarticles.htm
Stay strong and dont give up!
Sorry for double comment, but I found few really good articles:
http://www.youmeworks.com/howtolikeyourselfmore.html
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Real3.html
hey .. I’m glad you’re being honest about things. It doesn’t matter to me if you’re positive that there is no way out, I know I couldn’t see any way out of certain situations at one time but I still somehow managed. I still think that somewhere you’ve got the makings of a really awesome person, regardless of whether you believe me or not. I probably have never had self hate to the extent that you have, but in my old days I thought I was completely useless without Christianity to keep me emotionally secure and I once said or at least thought that without Christianity, the only thing I’d want to do is die. Now I’m completely the opposite. I was anyway going to type up a blog entry sometime soon about some of the things I used to think, I hope it might help you. Obviously I don’t know all the ins and outs of your life or the thoughts you think but I certainly don’t think that you are beyond repair. I hope I don’t sound like I’m preaching or giving you unnecessary advice but I don’t feel I can read a post like this and not say anything. Hope to talk to you soon.
Thank you both, your comments and help are muchly appreciated. As time goes on I hope I’ll be able to build up my confidence but I feel I can only do that if things in life change. I’m trying to sort things out, but there’s some things that are out of my control, will have to try and work around it. Hugs to you both