Lights are out
I’ve sat at the screen for 10 minutes trying to figure out how exactly to start this entry. I have so many thoughts flowing through my head all at the same time, so many feelings I just don’t know where to start.
I haven’t been feeling that great lately. Less than great. Not great. Crap. Less than crap. Now we’re getting somewhere. Feel numb, but at the same time in pain, emotionally. Deflated. Exhausted. Lonely. Tired, very tired. Energy levels plummeted to an almost non-existant level. Come home from work, just want to cry. I go to my room, fall onto the bed, trying to stop the tears from falling. Very rarely works. Unbearable. Really, unbearable.
My body is screaming. Skin is a shell, inside is a collection of cells of someone who I can’t stand. Self hatred is so strong, I cannot begin to express just how much I hate myself. I’m tired of pretending, tired of living like this. The memories and fears for the future. Doubts about the present. It’s all getting too much, and the worst thing about it is there is no way out of it. I really do mean that, no exaggeration, there is no way out of it.
I’m stuck in a corner, I don’t know what to do. Feels like I’m forever to be like this, I can’t stand another week of it, let alone another year, 2 years, 5.
Take each day is as it comes, but it’s leading to nowhere.