Happy birthday to me!

20 Today!

Need to think up another blog title… hmmm…

Will update with days events tomorrow. At too tired.

Red Cross today, what an exhausting day!! Left the house at 9am and didn’t get back home until 8:30pm, am ready for bed.

Last night I couldn’t sleep because I saw a flipping HUGE spider in my bedroom. Was on the phone to Callum and I screamed, Callum said:
“throw a book at it!”
“I can’t go near it!”

So then I woke up my dad, who came to the rescue and removed it. PHEWWW!!!!!!!!!!!! Omg. EEEEEkkk!! Just thinking of it makes me cringe. So anyway I finally got to sleep and I dreamt of a spider with thick black and white legs with a red body.

Anywayzzzzz… Red Cross. Tiring. Met Hayley for the first time ever! She’s been on maternity leave… Hayley said “I dealt with your Red Cross application, I know all your details and everything about you, but I’ve never met you before”. Anyway, tiring day. Biggest ‘casualty’ was someone who was erm… slightly intoxicated.

Got a call over the radio from the course medics asking for our assistance to help with someone who was “flat out drunk” at the bar, we went to see and she was on the floor, barely responsive and vomiting everywhere. Lovely. We got her into the back of the ambulance and kept an eye on her while her friends were laughing and joking at the fact that their friend couldn’t even open her eyes as she was so drunk and the only ‘communication’ she managed to get out of the retching noise as she was being sick. Our casualty had only just had a baby, too. And when I say only just, I mean, only a week ago. Anyway the ambulance crew took over while we went back out onto the fences.

A few jockeys fell off horses - none badly injured. One horse put down - he ran directly into the fence. Result wasn’t too pretty.

Long day. Came home, took off boots and chillaxed by watching Casualty. Gawd, it’s all medical stuff, isn’t it?

Taken tonight:

Recent Photographs I’ve taken:

I used to like Maths, for as long as I can remember. Mental Maths in Junior school, every Monday morning. Most children cringe at the thought but I actually didn’t mind it. When it came to SATs (English, Science & Maths exams) I excelled more in the Maths than the other two. When it came to lessons in High School, it used to be my favourite lesson.

My first maths teacher was also an English teacher, he was a bit nuts. We only had him for half a year because he then moved to New Zealand to teach there. He said he’d return - just like my form tutor said when she moved away - but he never (nor did she).

In replacement we had a little Irish chick. She’d make me smile with her accent and the way she said ‘three’ was so cute. She was an awesome teacher but not only that, someone who I got on with outside of lessons. She’d give me lifts home if I was caught in horrible weather, was a huge support when my step-mum died too - she was my math teacher right through high school, into sixth form.

So yes, up until 16, I loved maths. It tested my brain, exercised it, actually made me think and learn at the same time. Strengthens the cells and tests your memory. Algebra was my hottest subject, when all the other kids would sigh and moan when the word ‘Algebra’ was untidily scribbled onto the Whiteboard, I actually found it a relief - better than percentages and fractions any day!

At GCSE I got an A for maths, only 3 marks from an A* which was a tad frustrating but was happy with the grade anyway. I opted to study for AS Level maths and got accepted onto the course. Surprisingly - not that many people on the maths course and as the months went by the students were dropping like flies. It was hard. The jump from GCSE to AS Level was extreme and I could not keep up with the demand. My maths teacher (the Irish one) was a large support and offered to help me outside of class - an offer which I accepted, but it all got too much and ended up dropping out. It made me unhappy, more unhappy than I already was. The strain of sixth form was enough without the added pressure of catching up on my maths and Biology wasn’t going too great either, but I can’t say I got on great with my biology teachers - they just had students who they gave up on, and I was one of them. There were 5 of us in Biology, other 4 were grade A students, I was a grade C, so struggled a lot in areas they found easy, and that can kind of deflate you.

Anyway, I dropped out of maths and since then my maths skills have gone down hill. Give me an equation and I would struggle how to even start it, and it makes me sad, considering how much I used to enjoy it. Maybe one day I’ll get back into it.. but I don’t feel I have enough brain power.

I’ve sat at the screen for 10 minutes trying to figure out how exactly to start this entry. I have so many thoughts flowing through my head all at the same time, so many feelings I just don’t know where to start.

I haven’t been feeling that great lately. Less than great. Not great. Crap. Less than crap. Now we’re getting somewhere. Feel numb, but at the same time in pain, emotionally. Deflated. Exhausted. Lonely. Tired, very tired. Energy levels plummeted to an almost non-existant level. Come home from work, just want to cry. I go to my room, fall onto the bed, trying to stop the tears from falling. Very rarely works. Unbearable. Really, unbearable.

My body is screaming. Skin is a shell, inside is a collection of cells of someone who I can’t stand. Self hatred is so strong, I cannot begin to express just how much I hate myself. I’m tired of pretending, tired of living like this. The memories and fears for the future. Doubts about the present. It’s all getting too much, and the worst thing about it is there is no way out of it. I really do mean that, no exaggeration, there is no way out of it.

I’m stuck in a corner, I don’t know what to do. Feels like I’m forever to be like this, I can’t stand another week of it, let alone another year, 2 years, 5.

Take each day is as it comes, but it’s leading to nowhere.

Here’s that much awaited update

Well, now it comes down to it I’m not actually sure what to say. I had my blood test done on Friday afternoon. The nurse who stole my blood was actually really nice and kept talking to me throughout but I was fine. Sitting in the waiting room they have these screens that show the name of the patient and what room they need go into it and what doctor they are going to see. It was somewhat amusing sitting there watching the names because some of them sound or looked (or both) so silleh. “She doesn’t look like a Gladys Cadenhead”

I went to Swindon on Friday and stayed until Sunday. Woke up at 6am on Sunday morning and it was covered in snow. There must have been subliminal messages because everyone woke up in the house at that time… on a Sunday… strange goings on. Ok that sounded like I slept from Friday to Sunday morning. Haha. Nada. I took some photos while I was there and Callum, his dad and mum and I all went out for a meal on Sunday afternoon as well as having a little shop in TK Maxx, his mum and I went handbag shopping.

So ya, came home on Sunday, ready for work on Monday. House M.D Season 3 arrived from Amazon on Saturday.. would you believe it… it’s almost Tuesday, and I haven’t watched the whole DVD boxset yet?

Heylo! Yes, I is back. Take a bit more than stupid domain trouble to tear me from this blog! LifesChronicles.net has been down because I haven’t been able to re-new the domain via Yahoo! It wouldn’t accept my back card as it was the wrong type, I think, and it wouldn’t accept my paypal, either. A good friend kindly got me the .co.uk domain so all is working again now. *Touches wood*

I’ll write up a proper entry tomorrow.