Truth is this. I am a loser.
I am angry and upset with myself.
Le sigh.
Well, today was a retirement party for two of the staff who have left (one of them left yesterday, the other a few weeks ago). I was working this evenings shift so I had no option but to go (even if I wasn’t working, I’m sure I would have gone anyway to say goodbye to them). I was dreading it, because all the staff were going to be there, all the tenants and there were going to be roughly 80 people there and I was one of two bar staff and argh!!!
I didn’t want to go, but not only did I want to say goodbye I wanted to prove myself to my boss (and colleagues who I don’t see due to different shifts) that I can do my job and tenants do like me and I am sociable and confident (note to others, don’t lie at job interviews and say you are confident!!!). So I go along and people turn up who I don’t know, (past employees), loads of tenants, all the staff including the boss. Everyone was chatting, I just stood there and smiled most of the time. Could hardly move anyway because the room was so crowded, which meant the room was also really hot. I hated it and the 3 hours dragged so much couldn’t wait to get out of there.
Proved myself? Oh yeah, proved to them that I am indeed a loser. Feeling pretty crap about myself tonight (ain’t I always?), angry with myself and I’ve let myself down. I’m a temp, and so badly want to keep my job. After tonights performance? I wouldn’t even hire myself.
Don’t beat yourself about it for too long, it isn’t worth it. And I doubt it will have any bearing on whether they give you a permanent job or not. I’ve been at parties/socials in the past where I’ve hardly said anything, sometimes sat in a room on my own a bit, sometimes left early. It might take a while for you to become more socially adept. I was a loser for a long time. I could give you a heap of advice but it probably won’t help for now, I hope you manage to put in the commitment to change things and start to believe in yourself.
You are not a loser. There is noting wrong with what you did. You have to start like and love yourself as you are, with all the good stuff and bad stuff. Couse that makes you unique.
Thank you guys for your kind words. I hope that party doesn’t have any bearing on the status of my job. Hard task to love yourself, need to actually like yourself first.
Hope you’re both ok and thanks for the comments 
x