Truth is this. I am a loser.
I am angry and upset with myself.
Le sigh.
Well, today was a retirement party for two of the staff who have left (one of them left yesterday, the other a few weeks ago). I was working this evenings shift so I had no option but to go (even if I wasn’t working, I’m sure I would have gone anyway to say goodbye to them). I was dreading it, because all the staff were going to be there, all the tenants and there were going to be roughly 80 people there and I was one of two bar staff and argh!!!
I didn’t want to go, but not only did I want to say goodbye I wanted to prove myself to my boss (and colleagues who I don’t see due to different shifts) that I can do my job and tenants do like me and I am sociable and confident (note to others, don’t lie at job interviews and say you are confident!!!). So I go along and people turn up who I don’t know, (past employees), loads of tenants, all the staff including the boss. Everyone was chatting, I just stood there and smiled most of the time. Could hardly move anyway because the room was so crowded, which meant the room was also really hot. I hated it and the 3 hours dragged so much couldn’t wait to get out of there.
Proved myself? Oh yeah, proved to them that I am indeed a loser. Feeling pretty crap about myself tonight (ain’t I always?), angry with myself and I’ve let myself down. I’m a temp, and so badly want to keep my job. After tonights performance? I wouldn’t even hire myself.