This will most likely be my last blog for the week. I need to go to work in an hour and I’ll finish at 10pm (I really should have booked this day off, too), then I’ll drive to the train station to pick up Callum and then we’ll come home and I’ll do a bit more cleaning etc.

I went to the doctors this morning. They want me to book an appointment with the nurse so they can take some blood and do some testing. I have been feeling so under the weather, tired all the time, lacking concentration and feeling faint and dizzy. My doctor thinks it’s anemia. She checked my glands but she couldn’t find any in my neck nor under my arms. Am I human? The blood testing will have to wait until I come back - the dr said that’s ok.

Washed the car this morning. Bought oil for it yesterday to fill her up and got a hoover too. It looks nice. I found the charger for my sat nav - it was on my bed all time hiding under some clothes. Just need to polish the dashboard and it’ll look hot all the other cars will be screaming to park near her.

Anyway I’ll end here. Hope you all have a fab week!

Typical day at work today, each day that goes past I get more and more frustrated with a roundabout I need to go around to get home. People just don’t indicate. Out of all my driving pet peeves, that is the main one. People who are too darn lazy to indicate. I sit at a busy three laned roundabout and wait for it to be clear before getting on there, two lanes clear at one time but there’s traffic in the outside lane, they turn off and take the exit before they go past me and it infuriates me so much because if they INDICATED and SIGNALED to me that they were taking THAT exit I could have gone. But no, I wait and by the time they’re taking the exit more traffic arrives. Le sigh.

I get home and my dads in my ear about cleaning up etc before we go away on Friday. I started tidying my bedroom and it’s looking better. I take a break to watch Home & Away (plus tomorrows episode on Five Life), put a pie in the oven and go back upstairs, ending up falling asleep on the bed. My dad wakes me up an hour later, I think it’s morning, panicking that I’m late for work, running down the stairs and normality finally hits me. Also the fact a pie has been in the oven 40 minutes longer than it should. It was alright though.

I’ve been trying to book a doctors appointment at my clinic but you can only book an appointment between 8am - 8:30am and it’s a little hard for me considering I start work during this time. But, I phoned a few times, and kept getting engaged. I then phoned at 11am (may as well) and it was still engaged. Phoned yesterday and it was closed for lunch then in the afternoon said there were no space left. I’ll try again tomorrow, I want to go before Friday if possible.

I think I’ve lost the car charger for my sat nav… I don’t know how, it must be here somewhere. The battery life only lasts 2 hours and the trip to Cornwall takes roughly 3 hours. Knowing me, I’ll get lost (regardless of the sat nav), so add an extra hour or two on top of that… le sigh. I’ll have a good look around tonight.

This time next week I’ll be having my first bath in roughly 7 years - wow, that makes me sound dirty. I’ve had showers for so long, I can’t remember what a bath feels like. My dad, boyfriend and I are going to Ilfracombe on Friday the 29th, and I searched in particular for an apartment with a bath. I’ll be sure to take some bubble bath with me and take full advantage!! Not really all that fond of showers, they’re so lame. Yeah they do the job but they’re not relaxing, and that’s what I need to do. Relax, or ‘chilax’, as people seem to be saying more often now. I’m not a cool person. Far from cool. But, not so un-cool that I am hot. No, no. Try going the other way along the spectrum. So far from cool I’m like liquid nitrogen. Yes, that’s better.

At the end of the day, people are who they are. I know that sounds like an obvious thought but what I mean is, no matter how hard we try and develop social skills or try to improve the person we are, sometimes, some people, just can’t do it - I am one of them people. No matter how hard I try to socialise. No matter how hard I try and get on with people. No matter how hard I try to sustain friendships, I often fail. I am failing. I used to believe that if you continuously put yourself into testing situations you can overcome your fears and gain new skills but my belief in that is running thin. It feels like I have a huge sign on my forehead telling people I am a loser.

The brain is a strange thing, isn’t it? It’s amazing how some people triumph in certain areas and totally flop in others. It’s amazing how we can easily pick up certain talents but fail so miserably in other tasks. Socialising, to me, isn’t like learning how to play a sport or a new hobby such as knitting. It’s in a different league. Human beings on the whole are social creatures so why is it so easy for people to easily take up and learn hobbies or sports, but it is so damn hard to learn how to talk to people, and engage in conversation? Seriously.

Yes, I know I work every day and I go to Red Cross events and I do get on with people, to an extent. I struggle to call people ‘friends’ because, they just don’t feel like friends to me. I mean, I don’t think they consider me a friend - just someone they know. Getting to know. I don’t know but there’s a barrier, that I just cannot smash through. The barrier where I feel totally at ease in saying “I am their friend”.

It’s hard. Out of everything this is probably the main thing that holds me back so much. The fact I’m weak when it comes to socialising, feeling that I am lacking friends and fear of engaging in conversations because I just run out of things to say. Or say the wrong thing. This also leads onto my insecurities but I’m sure lack of social skills isn’t to blame for this entirely. But that’s another issue, for another time.

The training course reached my expectations. It was a huge bore.

I’d say out of the 7 hours of talk, about 20 minutes was relevant to the area my colleague and I works in. The child care service and family social work were talked about at great length and I was surprised at how little adult services were talked about. I guess it was interesting in places, but I’d rather have been working.

In the afternoon everyone was fidgety and there was a woman who’s phone kept going off - that irritated me. It rang once and she said sorry and stopped the call, I thought she switched it off or put it on silent, but no. Then, she went outside to answer the phone and some people around her got into a giggling fit. In the end the trainer had to ask one woman to leave the room.

Onto other news, my mum left a voicemail to say she won’t be going with us on the 29th to Cornwall. Three guesses, who’s stopping her? Starts with ‘boy’ ends with ‘friend’. She says it’s because she is moving soon, but yeah - right.

Saturday was a very long day.

I went to the Racecourse in the morning and it was a looooong day. Last race was at 5:25pm. I was in the medical unit with a few other volunteers for the first 3 races, then we were going to swap over and go on the course itself for the final 4 races.

When we got there the floor of the unit was a bit dirty. One of the women volunteers left to go get some milk, and I was left with the two ambulance guys. We were in the unit sitting on the chairs and one of the guys said, “So, what shall we do now?” I said in a joking manner, “you can start by washing the floor” He and the other guy then started to sweat a bit and were like “oh no, no, I can’t do that”. I then went onto a mini rant about men and they laughed “ok we’ll do it, want your feet massaged too?”
“Yes please”

We then sat around for a bit, got the TV working and watched Rugby. Wales vs Italy. What a great match!! We didn’t watch it all, had to go out on the track but we won by a landslide!!

Didn’t get any casualties. Two horses collided though and one of them horses were in a bad condition. Don’t know the outcome, not sure if I want to know.

Got home at 6:30pm and was out the house in an hour. Went to town with work colleagues. Felt like a bit of a spare wheel because they each invited some of their friends and I dunno, didn’t feel right. Got back home a tad late but sober, must have sobered up on the way home

Oh, and my car got egged too. I think it was next door. Before I went out on Saturday they asked, “Where are you going?”
“I’m just going out for a bit”
“town?”
“Seeing some friends”

I wasn’t going to give them a direct answer. Why should I anyway? They were only being nosey, why should I give them the satisfaction? They only talk to us when they want to know something, rest of time treat us like crap!!

Either they egged my car because I wouldn’t answer them properly or because I looked so damn hot they wanted me to stay on the doorstep and hated seeing me getting in the taxi and leaving. I am more inclined to think the first.

Oh, and I didn’t get that foot massage off them ambulance guys.

I felt like typing up a quick blog before I go to this mindnumbing boring course that I’ve been thrown into. I have a taxi at 8:30am, it’s 8am now and I’m still in dressing gown and my hair looks like I’ve been mauled by a passing eagle. I guess I should make an attempt to look half human.

I need to put some glass in my shoes this morning to keep me awake throughout the day. The city council is going to talk about how fabulous and fantastic it is, for roughly 8 hours, hmm… within any luck it should be finished in 10 minutes because this city ain’t that great. Only a fraction of the content is related to my working environment anyway, so knowing me I’ll probably switch off half way through but am hoping to keep myself out of a comatose state.

As you can tell, am not really looking forward to it - one of my colleagues is going, though, so that should help the day go a little smoother.

I went to bed at gone 11pm last night, fully intending to sleep but then I put on House M. D. and it was so addicting, I ended up watching 3 (or 4) consecutive episodes. At the end of the thirst one “OMG, House needs to sack someone!” … end of the second episode… “OMG, House decided to sack Chase but his boss said he couldn’t - he needs to pick between Cameron and Foreman!”… “OMG, Cameron has resigned because she has feelings for House!”… “OMG, Cameron said she’ll return only if House will go on a date with her!”. Starting watching the next episode hoping to see this ‘date’ but ended up feeling very tired and I couldn’t concentrate - so I switched it off. Before anyone complains about me not responding to text messages, my phone was in my coat pocket all night, sorry, I didn’t hear it go off. I’d forget my head if it wasn’t screwed on, seriously.

I get on with everyone at work, apart from one of the seniors. Well - I would get on with her, but she doesn’t give me the chance. Rarely acknowledges me and only talks directly to me when she needs to. She has been off work for 10 days (annual leave) and today she came back and to be honest, I was kinda dreading my shift tonight for this reason.

I walk into the staffroom and say hello to the staff in there, typically, the senior I’m talking had her back turned to me. I’m used to it. But then about 5 minutes later she says, “hi Elaine”. Wow. Hang on a minute. It didn’t stop there though… the whole evening was a bit… bizarre…

Not only did she say hello to me but this senior also…

• Looked at me whilst giving out handover (the report of happenings in between shifts)
• Started a conversation with me non-work related. Heck, while I’m at it, she also started a topic with me, on my own, about something work related (I feel like a spare part, like I’m not actually a support assistant and I shouldn’t know the goings on, when she’s working on my shift)
• Listened to what I was saying and commenting on it.
• Thanking me.

Not only that but when the other support assistant, my senior and I were having a conversation about the person I’m covering maternity for (I’m a temp), a discussion about what’s gonna happen to me when the woman comes back came up and the senior said, “I don’t think B (boss) has any intentions of letting Elaine go. Gotta good’un, need to keep’em”.

Oh wow. I need to sit down - Wait. I am sitting down. It may not sound much but tonight she has treated me *totally* different to what she has treated me the last 3 months, since I started this job. She must have had a bad bang on the head or something in them 10 days. She did go to hair dressers and have her hair re-dyed, maybe the dye leaked into her skull and into the brain. Of course - I’m not complaining about her being nice to me. I just found it really strange!

I came home from work on Friday intending on washing my Red Cross uniform only for the door of the tumble dryer to fall into my hands. I had some wet clothes to dry so in the end I just clipped it in and hoped for the best. I didn’t hear a loud thud during the night where the door hit the floor, thank goodness, and the clothes successfully dried over night. My dad fixed it this morning and it’s all good now. The thing with my dad and DIY is, it can either go one of two ways. He can make a damn good job of it and it’s perfect or he totally cocks it up and makes it worse than it was in the beginning. My dad has a better chance at repairing things than me, though, because I am such a walking disaster, anything I touch seems to end up in bad shape.

Anyway I came home from the Red Cross event yesterday and my uniform, oh my word, so muddy!! The BRC should pay for dry cleaning. Nah, it’ll be alright. My legs today are aching like crazy though and my back is aching, too. I’m still in my PJs, can’t be bothered to get dressed!

Mark said yesterday he’ll take me on a motorway tomorrow. Mmhmm. He’s said that before. I will text him tonight though to ask him if it’s still on and to arrange when to meet him etc. Passed my driving test in Sept ‘07 and haven’t been on a motorway yet. Hehe I’m not nervous anymore though, and, touch wood, everything will go alright. I need to drive on the motorway next Friday anyway as my dad, Callum, my mum (? .. she keeps changing her mind ) and myself are going to Ilfracombe. I need a break.

Wow - I am knackered! What a day… we had to call out 4 ambulances and an air ambulance.

I was picked up at 9:45am and we somehow ended up on the M5. Which made us really late… finally getting there at 12am, just in time for the first race.

We were put on our fences and racing began. My fence was jinxed as we seemed to have got the most fallers… Throughout the races we had a few fallers who needed an ambulance. We had a women who dislocated her shoulder, her vocabulary was so colourful. We then had a more serious incident, a jockey fell off his horse, landed on his head. Red Cross were there straight away followed by the onsite doctor. He grazed his eye, blood coming down his face and had a suspected spinal injury. I was near one of the Red Cross ambulances, the only one with the spinal board so they radioed through and asked for our assistance ASAP. Jumped into the back and made our way there, we only got stuck in the mud as we went across the track.

Mark managed to drive us out of it through and we finally got there, then everyone pulled together to get him safely and securely onto the spinal board. He was responsive and alert with a good GCS but can’t take any chances, especially considering he was showing signs of spinal injury. We dialled 999 and asked for an ambulance.

The ambulance arrived but got stuck in the mud so the paramedics made their way down to us on foot. The paramedics and doctor then decided it would be safer to transport the jockey via air ambulance so we waited for the helicopter to arrive and transfered him to the air ambulance. Racing was postponed for 45 minutes, after the air ambulance left the course and we were back in positions, racing carried on…

Another race, another casualty. A jockey fell off his horse, landed in a ditch and the horse landed on top. Of course, he then needed an ambulance.

Last race, a jockey broken his collarbone in a few places and was very drowsy. Administered oxygen and entonox then transfered to another ambulance and taken to hospital.

One of the Red Cross ambulances got stuck down a ditch The driver, Mark, had his window open so his face was full of the hedge and the other Red Cross paramedic was in the back and she had to climb the stretcher as it was on such a slant. We got this message through on our radio…

“All stations, it appears 74 (number of the ambulance) is at a 45 degree angle” Of course, Mark is never going to live that down. There was a photographer at the front of the ambulance and he was just about to raise the camera to his face, then Mark said, “don’t you dare!” The ambulance had to be pulled out by a 4×4. Mark is never going to hear the end of that, it’ll be the subject of jokes for a while.

A bit later, one of the spectators asked us if we wanted some tea and we said yes please, they also asked if we’d like some whiskey in it and of course, we didn’t take any but Mark said, “I needed that 30 minutes ago”

A long day, last race was late by over an hour due to the holdups and casualties etc but still, got home around 7:15pm, so not that bad.

Photographs taken by me, at Caerphilly Castle. Click to see larger images.

I did go to a British Red Cross meeting yesterday, only to show up to locked automatic doors. I pressed the buzzer and it ‘buzzzz’ed’ but had no answer so got in the car and came back home, stopping at a chippy on the way. Admittedly, I was 30 minutes late - I thought it started at 7:30pm but checked the sheet just before I left at 7:20pm and it did start at 7pm. Oh noes! *Slams foot down on accelerator* Nah, it was only up the road anyway, got there at 7:25pm. A bit disappointed I couldn’t get into the building but that’ll teach me not to be late.

I haven’t done Red Cross work for a while, my uniform is scattered everywhere and I need to gather it together as I’m going to provide first aid cover this weekend in Hereford. Point to Point races are starting again, I remember going last year. It’s amateur horse racing and you do get quite a few casualties and is an opportunity to use first aid skills. It’s very cold and windy as it is all on an open field. Unlike Chepstow Racecourse, we haven’t got a first aid unit nor an office where radio control is held. Instead that is all done in ambulances. I spoken to the public events co-ordinator this evening and asked him if I could get a thick jacket because I’m sure I’m gonna need it, he said he’ll get me one for Saturday.

I’m no longer scared of the radios. Even though I completed the training course I hated having to use a radio and asked the fellow volunteer who was with me (normally in pairs) to take control of it. However now it’s fine, I guess I’m getting used to talking to people now, what with work. My main fear of using the radios on Red Cross events is that the message you’re sending is broadcasted to everyone on the same signal (all the volunteers and staff covering an event) and I’m scared I’d make an ass of myself by mixing my words up which I do tend to do but meh, that’s just the way things go. I guess it adds a little humour anyway, even if it is at my expense.