Hmm… well, work has been pretty quiet the past week or so and now everything is happening at once! There’s been a few emergencies to do with tenants and a few er… disasters. I am too tired to go into all the details but we have been very busy, and I have had to leave work later than I normally do. It’s a great job, though… I just can’t see myself working in a supermarket or behind a desk, it would drive me to tears! Today at lunch one of the tenants pulls my arm and I sit down beside her, she says I shouldn’t be in this job… I should be in modelling. Haha I couldn’t stop laughing, but she said she was serious. I should look into it… hmm… Nah.

Am tired. Tired. Tired. Tired. What’s new? I’m always tired. But Thursday is ‘Switchover Day’ and I go from ‘afternoon’ shift (more like ‘evening shift’, but they call it ‘afternoon shift) to ‘morning shift’, and next week, I’ll go from mornings to afternoons… Anyway I’ll end here. Random babbling!!

Hollywood actor Heath Ledger has been found dead at a residence in downtown Manhattan. “He was found unconscious at the apartment and pronounced dead,” the New York Police Department said, adding that pills were found near the body. Police are reportedly investigating if the Australian actor, who earned an Oscar nomination for Brokeback Mountain, died of a drug overdose.

The 28-year-old was found dead in the flat at around 1530 (2030 GMT).

Police said they did not suspect foul play and that his body had been discovered surrounded by pills.
(read more)

What a shocker! I’ve seen a few of the movies he was in and he was a good actor. RIP Heath

I often look into peoples eyes and wonder what they’re thinking. Doesn’t have to be in real time, they don’t need to be standing infront of me, I look into peoples eyes in the newspapers too and wonder what they are thinking. Eyes are the window into the soul.

I look into the eyes of a 98 year old woman… what is she thinking?
I look into the eyes of someone who has a terminal illness… what are they thinking?
I look into the eyes of someone who has lost their entire family due to horrific circumstances… what are they thinking?
I look into the eyes of someone who has lost their home… what are they thinking?
I look into the eyes of someone who has just won the lottery… what are they thinking?
I look into the eyes of someone who has been the victim of crime… what are they thinking?
I look into the eyes of someone who has commited a crime… what are they thinking?
I look into the eyes of an animal… what are they thinking?
I look into a childs’ eyes at Christmas… what are they thinking?

What are people thinking?

My latest Photoshop creation:

Click for full view.

I got my first payslip yesterday, was surprised at the amount of deductions (tax, NI etc), lost a good few hundred pounds but I was glad with what I had left. “What’s the first thing you’re gonna buy?” people kept asking, well, the only things I have bought are household stuff for the kitchen.

I bought a new thingy to put the plates on to let them dry after washing up (can’t remember the name now…), some tea towels, a few brushes and a new mop. I can’t use the old mop - I used that one to clean up Sam’s blood on Monday and I just can’t face using that mop again… You know, I can still smell it sometimes. I think that smell is going to stay with me for a long time.

Three teenagers were found guilty yesterday of murdering Mr Newlove, a 47-year-old sales manager, who was punched and kicked to the ground when he left his home, barefoot and in pyjama bottoms, to see who had vandalised his wife’s car.
(More here)

Frail Susan Collins was blinded in one eye after she was battered by a thug who had been freed early from jail for killing a man in a copycat attack.

Drunk Nicholas Hague kicked Susan, 60, to the ground then stamped on her after she refused to give him a cigarette - inflicting multiple skull fractures.
(More here)

Stories like this give people of my generation a bad name. I often feel like a spokesperson at work trying to retain the Youth of Today’s dignity and say that we’re not all like that. When I’m doing afternoon shifts, we have bar open in the evening, social gathering, let their hair down and people sit in the lounge having a good natter, the news is often the subject of conversation and stories like this come up regularly (as well as stories such as Vera Duckworth leaving Coronation Street yesterday evening). Last night, the tenants were really laying into the teenagers saying how bad they are etc and I was like, “wow, wow, wooooow…. I’m 19 and I’m certainly not a thug - responsible, trusting teenagers out there do exist, you’re sitting next to one”.

I see their point, and it is sad. This country does need to toughen up because when I was going through school, every year, the new people entering comprehensive were getting more defiant and thugish, the teachers were gradually losing their control and the way things are going… I really dread to think how things will be in 10 years time.

Haven’t long got back from work. Been a tiring day. I think I’m settling in well. Actually, one of my co-workers said I am more into it than the other woman who started a week before me, who entered this job directly from being a Home Carer which came as a shock, obviously, seeing as this is my first job and haven’t had THAT much experience, although, I guess I have had quite a bit of experience in the caring part at home, then there’s the Red Cross and Manual Handling course I’ve been on.

I am pretty confident about what I’m meant to do etc, there’s a few times that pop up every now and then which I’m unsure about but with a mixture of nosing around and investigating, and asking a co-worker for help, I’m getting there.

My co-worker said people are talking about the new ones (ie, me and this other woman) … and she said the people who work closest with me (I always work with the same 3 people, only see the other staff on changeover and seniors rarely to give us reports etc) think I’m doing well. But, I’m paranoid now, what are the others thinking about me?? Oh well, I haven’t felt any bad vibes. Perhaps I’m just paranoid. And I am new - so maybe they’re dubious, because I am pretty quiet in the staff room. I don’t know!

I don’t like the fact my job is temp, feels pretty unsteady, ya know? I know I have 7 months left but I’m hoping a vacancy pops up which I can apply for. Someone is retiring in March but one of the relief staff has already been promised the position.

Today there was a meeting and that went on for over an hour after I was meant to finish my shift, I don’t think the afternoon crew were too happy about that because they only had an hour or so to go around 20+ flats each which really isn’t much time at all. After the meeting I was leaving work and my boss put her hand on my shoulder and thanked me, which made me smile. She hasn’t thanked or barely took any notice of me since I started the job.

I’ve been losing weight since I started the job, am eating dramatically less than I used to and do a heck of a lot more walking. Got up on the weighing scales the other day and I’ve lost over a stone but I could do with losing it anyway.

Le sigh. I am fed up.

“I care”, one of them overused phrases like “lol” and one phrase could be used in response to the other:

Person One: I care
Person Two: lol

Questions:
How do you know if someone truly cares? How do you know if people who say they care, or “I am here for you”, they are not just saying it? When you reach out and talk to these people who say they care, how do you know if they’re not just tolerating you?

These questions have been spinning around in my head for a while now, especially recently.

I haven’t figured out the answer.

… then, there’s the hope where you have absolutely no idea of the outcome. Achievable, or non-achievable? No idea. But you hope because that’s all you’ve got left.

Why have I been thinking and typing so much about hope? It mainly started because of my dog. He hasn’t been well, and I have been hoping so, so much he will recover and regain good health, but my hoping was in vain. This morning, at 11am, he passed away. My little baby boy.

He hadn’t been well at all this past week - he hadn’t been eating (although he’s been peeing and doing his business), lacking energy, I took him to the vets on Saturday, he had an xray and it came back clear. The vet said if it continues, take him back in a few days. Overnight on Sunday he got a lot worse and this morning he collapsed outside my house, he was weak. I got him inside the house and dad was going to make an appointment at the vets for this afternoon.

I go to work and at 11am I phoned home as I was thinking of Sam constantly. My dad answered hesitantly, “he’s gone”.

“Gone? What do you mean?” (Me in denial trying to dismiss the thought “gone” meant “dead”)

“He’s gone, only happened a few minutes ago”

My dad was trying to hold back his tears, I just fell silent. I couldn’t, and didn’t want to, believe it. I walked back into work and told my co-workers, I then told my boss what happened and asked if I could go home and she said yes. I got in the car and driving home I broke down, I was crying continuously. Scared of the thought of seeing my dog laying down, lifeless; but at the same time I so badly wanted to see him before the vet got there.

I arrived at home, walked through the door and the smell hit me straight away, made me feel nauseous. It was so strange seeing Sam not greet me at the door, his tail wagging and seeing his excitement at seeing me. I walk in and Sam is laying by his bed, blood over his face and on the carpet. It was so, so horrible to see… Very horrible… I looked away and cried then turned around and knelt down to kiss his head and say a few words in his ear. The blood was still coming out of his mouth, internal bleeding.

The vet arrived and confirmed his death, wrapped him up in a blue sheet and Sam was carried to the van and they drove off… He is going to be cremated, and his ashes going to be scattered at the cemetery. They don’t do burials anymore, unless you want a private burial in your own land and we just don’t have the space and our ground is well hard - it wouldn’t be possible.

I have been crying most of the day. He was my best friend. My baby. He was also like an uncle figure. You know, I’ve had Sam since I was 8, and I did have my tendencies to be immature and when I did things wrong it would feel like he looked at me and gave me the eye saying, “Don’t do that” hehe

I’m going to miss him so much. I couldn’t have wished for a better dog and he can never be replaced.

I love you baby, and I always will.

RIP Sam xx

It’s magic and it’s free
It’s not in a prescription
It’s not in an IV.

It punctuates laughter,
It sparkles in our tears,
It simmers under sorrows,
And dissipates our fears.

Do you know what Hope is?
It’s reaching past today,
It’s dreaming of tomorrow,
It’s trying a new way,

It’s pushing past impossible
It’s pounding on the door,
It’s questioning the Answers,
It’s always seeking more.

It’s rumors of a breakthrough,
It’s whispers of a cure,
A roller coaster ride
Of remedies, unsure.

Do you know what Hope is?
It’s candy for the soul,
It’s perfume for the spirit,
To share it, makes you whole.
~*Author Unknown*~

I have been talking about hope a lot recently. Not only about situations in my life but when trying to help other people, too. Ultimately, I believe if we don’t have hope, then we have nothing. Hope is part of a backbone, a basis, something that gives us that ‘umph’ to do things and we cling onto hope to keep us going.

Everyone wants something, or someone. Everyone. Everyone has hopes, from hoping the local shop hasn’t sold out of semi-skimmed milk, to hoping someone (or themselves) gets cured of a disease or illness, to hoping about careers, finances, politics, family issues. Hope is all around us, and I believe that small four letter word is one of the strongest words in the English dictionary.

There are different degrees of hope that falls into different categories. There’s the hope where we feel something is truly achievable but then at the other end there’s the hope we cling onto when we know, deep in our heart, the possibility of the event we’re hoping to happen isn’t likely to happen at all, virtually impossible - I guess that would be called ‘false hope’. False hope can end up being damaging, maybe it could be described as being in a state of denial. If you truly believe you’re talented in some area and want to make it big, we cling onto the hope we will achieve that but we keep falling flat on our face but we still believe we can do it.

Reminds me a lot of the X Factor. You know, when this woman walks in wearing a belt short skirt, leaves with strings sleeveless top revealing, well, pretty much everything, knee high boots and dragging a little chihuahua for added effect, then starts singing “I’m Every Woman” by Whitney Houston. Half way through Simon Cowell puts his hand up to stop ‘Sara’ from singing and says, “No. No, no, no. I could sell you as a sleeping aid. I’ve never heard anything more boring in my life.”

“But, you didn’t listen to all the song”

“I don’t need to darling”

The other three judges dismiss her too.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about - I have the X Factor and I will become famous, with or without your help! You watch this space”

*Waits* …. *still waiting* … nope.

You never know, miracles may occur.

So yes, we all need hope, no matter how impossible your dream may be, don’t let it go but at the same time, it’s best to keep your feet on your ground. Keep hoping, keep wishing and don’t give up.